Thursday, July 16, 2015

Happy Second Birthday in Heaven

Today, almost exactly two years ago, we were heading to the hospital.  I was in labor, and we were going to say hello and goodbye to our sweet Kale.

I can't believe it's been two years.  It feels like a hundred years.  And it feels like just a few days ago at the same time.  Grief is funny that way.  I miss him.  I miss him a lot, I think about him all the time, I watch the kids his age, and what they're doing, and I picture how he would be doing the same thing.  I watch my older kids play with kids his age and wish they could be playing with him.  I still cry, I still have days where I can't even fathom how my life is supposed to keep going without him (and Miranda), I still wonder what greater purpose is being served by this process I continue to go through.

But today, I just wish I could watch him blow the candles out on a cake, and tear into presents, instead of us taking a cake to the cemetery and not even having any presents.  It's hard, and I'm not sure it gets easier.

This song by Daughtry pretty much sums up how I'm feeling today:

"Today could've been the day
That you blow out your candles
Make a wish as you close your eyes
Today could've been the day
Everybody was laughin'
Instead I just sit here and cry

Who would you be?
What would you look like
When you looked at me for the very first time
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Would you have been president?
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother
One thing is evident
Would've give all I had
Would've loved you like no other

Who would you be?
What would you look like
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Not a day goes by, oh
I'm always asking why, oh

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a beautiful life we never knew
Gone too soon
You were gone too soon, yeah

And not a day goes by
That I don't think of you"

So today, for Kale's birthday we are wearing our #kaleblue shirts, we are eating cupcakes, leaving him balloons at the cemetery, and going to a movie together as a family.  I betcha he would have loved doing all of that.  Even if he wouldn't sit still for the movie, he probably would love seeing the Minions be silly and would laugh at them.  

Happy birthday baby boy.  I love you Kale. 


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