Yesterday was an emotional day for me. It was March 1st, my due date for Miranda. Although I knew I wouldn't hit that day, because I have never had a baby born anywhere NEAR their due date, or even born in the month they were due in. Even still, it was a bit emotional for me. And my sweet neighbor blessed her baby girl in church who was born a few days before Miranda. And then it's been pouring rain lately, which always makes me think of Kale. All those things kind of escalated into that perfect storm a bit.
I've been trying to get back into running, back into some form of physical exercise. I never really kept up on the gym, it was rather difficult finding time to go, and someone to watch Martin. Now that Matt's home every day, because he's still unemployed, it's easier to find to the time to go since he can watch Martin. I can go in the middle of the day!
So that's what I did today. I talked myself into changing into warmer clothes and went out to run. Did it suck? Yeah, a little bit. But running is a form of therapy for me right now. I can't afford a therapist, even if I need one, but running lets me work through the thoughts in my brain, which there are a lot of. Anger, hurt, heartbreak, jealousy, fear, doubt...the list goes on, and changes all the time.
Right now I know what I need to work on. I need to work on acceptance. And that's very difficult. I don't want to accept the lot I've been given in this life. I don't want to accept that the dreams I wanted won't come to pass. And many other things. But these are the things that are holding me back.
One of the songs that came through my playlist today what "Shake It Out" by Florance and The Machine. (much better song than T-Swift's Shake It Off") As soon as that song started I admit to the tears starting too. Running has always made me cry, the endorphin's or whatever just trigger tears whenever I finish running. But maybe it's just where I am in life right now, which is why I need to accept these things, and let them go.
Maybe the running is working. Maybe it's helping me sort through all the feelings I have, maybe it's helping me come to terms with Kale and Miranda dying. Maybe. Even if it doesn't though, it makes me feel closer to them. Which is why I keep going. It's miles I'm running for them.
2 miles down today--Miles for Kale and Miranda.