Thursday, July 16, 2015

Happy Second Birthday in Heaven

Today, almost exactly two years ago, we were heading to the hospital.  I was in labor, and we were going to say hello and goodbye to our sweet Kale.

I can't believe it's been two years.  It feels like a hundred years.  And it feels like just a few days ago at the same time.  Grief is funny that way.  I miss him.  I miss him a lot, I think about him all the time, I watch the kids his age, and what they're doing, and I picture how he would be doing the same thing.  I watch my older kids play with kids his age and wish they could be playing with him.  I still cry, I still have days where I can't even fathom how my life is supposed to keep going without him (and Miranda), I still wonder what greater purpose is being served by this process I continue to go through.

But today, I just wish I could watch him blow the candles out on a cake, and tear into presents, instead of us taking a cake to the cemetery and not even having any presents.  It's hard, and I'm not sure it gets easier.

This song by Daughtry pretty much sums up how I'm feeling today:

"Today could've been the day
That you blow out your candles
Make a wish as you close your eyes
Today could've been the day
Everybody was laughin'
Instead I just sit here and cry

Who would you be?
What would you look like
When you looked at me for the very first time
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Would you have been president?
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother
One thing is evident
Would've give all I had
Would've loved you like no other

Who would you be?
What would you look like
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Not a day goes by, oh
I'm always asking why, oh

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a beautiful life we never knew
Gone too soon
You were gone too soon, yeah

And not a day goes by
That I don't think of you"

So today, for Kale's birthday we are wearing our #kaleblue shirts, we are eating cupcakes, leaving him balloons at the cemetery, and going to a movie together as a family.  I betcha he would have loved doing all of that.  Even if he wouldn't sit still for the movie, he probably would love seeing the Minions be silly and would laugh at them.  

Happy birthday baby boy.  I love you Kale. 

Monday, March 02, 2015

Miles for Kale and Miranda Week 2 Day 1

Yesterday was an emotional day for me.  It was March 1st, my due date for Miranda.  Although I knew I wouldn't hit that day, because I have never had a baby born anywhere NEAR their due date, or even born in the month they were due in.  Even still, it was a bit emotional for me.  And my sweet neighbor blessed her baby girl in church who was born a few days before Miranda.  And then it's been pouring rain lately, which always makes me think of Kale.  All those things kind of escalated into that perfect storm a bit.

I've been trying to get back into running, back into some form of physical exercise.  I never really kept up on the gym, it was rather difficult finding time to go, and someone to watch Martin.  Now that Matt's home every day, because he's still unemployed, it's easier to find to the time to go since he can watch Martin.  I can go in the middle of the day!

So that's what I did today.  I talked myself into changing into warmer clothes and went out to run.  Did it suck?  Yeah, a little bit.  But running is a form of therapy for me right now.  I can't afford a therapist, even if I need one, but running lets me work through the thoughts in my brain, which there are a lot of.  Anger, hurt, heartbreak, jealousy, fear, doubt...the list goes on, and changes all the time.

Right now I know what I need to work on.  I need to work on acceptance.  And that's very difficult.  I don't want to accept the lot I've been given in this life. I don't want to accept that the dreams I wanted won't come to pass.  And many other things.  But these are the things that are holding me back.

One of the songs that came through my playlist today what "Shake It Out" by Florance and The Machine.  (much better song than T-Swift's Shake It Off")  As soon as that song started I admit to the tears starting too.  Running has always made me cry, the endorphin's or whatever just trigger tears whenever I finish running.  But maybe it's just where I am in life right now, which is why I need to accept these things, and let them go.

Maybe the running is working.  Maybe it's helping me sort through all the feelings I have, maybe it's helping me come to terms with Kale and Miranda dying.  Maybe.  Even if it doesn't though, it makes me feel closer to them.  Which is why I keep going.  It's miles I'm running for them.

2 miles down today--Miles for Kale and Miranda.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Miranda Dawn, one of my white roses

I read this story at Miranda's memorial service.  In the vase, I had two white roses, and 5 pink roses.  The pink roses were for each of her family members to give to her.  We laid them on her little casket before we left the cemetery.  The white roses were symbols of this story. 

The White Rose
All the earth’s mothers were gathered together at God’s Garden of flowers, those beautiful budding spirits who would someday come to earth, were nurtured and tended in the gardens.
A loving Father spoke to the mother’s, “See the works of my hands, someday you will be the mothers of these radiant spirits.” The garden glowed with the mixture of all colors. “Choose ye!” He said.
Now in the east corner of the garden pure white roses stood as sentinels. They were not as colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart. One by one Mothers stepped forward.
“I want the blue-eyed, curly hair one, who will grow to maturity and be a Mother in Zion.” Yet another chose a brown-eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love who would someday be a prince in a grand country. The garden buzzed with excitement as the others chose their own special spirits, those whom they would soon welcome into the warmth and love of an earthly home.
Once again the loving Father spoke, “But who will take the white roses, the ones in the east corner of the garden? These will return to me in purity and goodness, They will not stay long in your home for I must bring them back to my garden, for they belong to me; but they will gain bodies as planned. You will miss them and long for them, but I will personally care for them.”
“No! not I” many said in unison. “I couldn’t bear to give one back so soon.”
“Nor I” said another. “We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives.” The loving Father looked out across the multitude of Mothers with longing in his eyes for someone to step forward. Then he said “See the most pure and perfect of all the white one’s? I chose him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind, He will be scorned, mocked and crucified. He is mine own. Will not anyone choose like unto Him?” A few Mothers stepped forward. “Yes, Lord, I will.” Then another, “I as well”, and “Yes we will Lord”. Soon, all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choir of the mothers.
The Father spoke again, “Oh blessed are you who choose the White Roses. Your pain will be a heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding beyond anything you can understand at this time.”
The white ones embraced their mothers, and so full was their purity and love that filled their souls with such endearment. Each Mother knew they could endure the task. Then the mothers of all the White Roses gathered them, as a hen gathers chicks, and the outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child, as he prepared them for their task. Each mother who bore the weight of the White Rose felt the overwhelming love for God as they all shouted

“Thy will be done!”