Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Capture Your Grief- Day 7

Day 7- Sacred Place

Oh my.  What a large topic.  There are many places that are sacred to me in regards to Kale.

The first would be his grave.  I love being able to spend some time there with my family and by myself.  And it means so much more to me ever since his headstone was placed.  I can look at his picture, and his tiny hand and feet prints.  I can sit and talk to him and if anyone sees me or hears me, they don't think I'm crazy!  It's a place I can take care, make it look nice and clean for him.  I love being able to put flowers and decorations out for him, (especially in fall in winter, when they don't take things like pinwheels away!) things that have a special meaning to me.  It's healing for me.  I don't get to purchase clothes or toys for him to use, and this is my way of giving him something.  Of making sure he's remembered.

For his birthday, we took the kids up to the cemetery and had lunch and left balloons for Kale.  We wrote messages to him on balloons, things the kids wanted to tell him and let them go.  They love going and 'visiting' Kale.  Whenever we leave, they say "I love you Kale!  Bye!" and it melts my heart.

His grave is special to me.  I have come to notice my emotions come in waves, where I'll be completely fine for a few days, sometimes a week or two, but I slowly feel myself reaching the breaking point emotionally.  When I start to get to that point I make sure to visit the cemetery, because I know I can collapse there and not have to explain myself.  It's very healing actually to sit at his headstone and just cry and tell him how much I miss him and wish he was here.

Another sacred place to me in regards to Kale is the temple.  I don't get the chance to visit as often as I wish I could, but I have had a few special experiences there that have helped heal my heart.  There's a part during the ceremony there, where they talk about the veil between this life, and the next life in heaven.  We can only pass through that veil by dying.  Every single time we reach that point, my heart just leaps inside of me and I picture Kale standing there, just waiting for me.  Sometimes it just breaks my heart that it's not really happening, that I'm not really going to get to see my boy, and I still have to wade through this life.  But it still reminds me that he's there on the other side, and he is waiting for me.  It reminds me that families really are forever, and at some point in the future I will get that chance.

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