I don't even know where to start with this one. Sometimes I feel I have to go way back. Way back to before I had any kids. When I was so naive. When I didn't know that things could go bad. That babies die. Because I've always felt that it's not fair when children die before their parents. At any age! It just seems to go against what's right in the world.
I remember being pregnant with Katryn, and my friend lost her baby. We were due around the same time. Looking back (because hind-sight is 20/20) I realize what horrible friend I was. I was so selfish, and didn't give her the support she probably needed. I actually see that in many aspects of my life 'before'. And even now. But we're all growing and changing, right? We're all hoping to become better everyday.
It was probably when Martin was born that it really hit me that things CAN and DO go wrong. Too often. Many people don't bring their babies home with them from the hospital. I remember reading Martin's chart once, while we were hanging out in the NICU, and seeing the first sentence the doctor wrote about him right after he was born. "Infant male born blue and unresponsive". The shocking feeling I had at the point is hard to describe. It was a realization that my little boy almost didn't make it. There was a very real chance he wouldn't be here. It was terrifying to realize how close we came to having to say goodbye to him.
After all of that, and Martin's "aftermath" as we like to call it (y'know, the O2, the feeding tube, the RSV, the years of therapy...." I felt I could handle anything a pregnancy could throw at me! We thought we had dealt with it all with him.
Turns out there are things much worse than what we went through with Martin. Much worse. Our eyes are definitely opened to reality, and we are fully interested in those 'there's a small chance' situations because those are where we tend to find ourselves.
Sometimes I do miss the before me though, the one who didn't cry at a drop of a hat at random things. That's a little hard to deal with sometimes.