Friday, October 03, 2014

Capture Your Grief--Day 2


[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

BY E. E. CUMMINGS
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


Today's theme is 'Heart' and it's based off the above poem.  The above poem that I see referenced many times in the support groups I'm a part of.  I imagine I have read the poem before, probably during an English class in college (because being an English major, Creative Writing no less, required lots of poetry classes!). But I don't remember.  

I had the chance to spend the day in the mountains.  Granted I was chaperoning for a elementary field trip so it wasn't as peaceful as I could have hoped for.  But it was still nice.  My heart kinda of turned out more like an upside down triangle, but I'm ok with that.  My heart isn't perfect either.  It's pretty damaged, and some days I do wonder how I'm able to do what needs to be done.  

I remember hearing many times after Kale died, and even before that, after we got the terminal diagnosis, "I could never do that".  It made me very angry sometimes, I wanted to shake people and tell them "what makes you think *I* can do it?!  Because I don't think I can."  And there are still days where I think I can't do this, I can't be the mother who buried one of her children, who is missing a child and aching to have them here every day.  

But every day, I know I carry Kale with me.  He's not physically in my arms like other babies, I don't get to snuggle him, or make him laugh.  But I also never have to leave him with a babysitter, or watch him struggle through life's trials.  Sure, I wish I could do that, but I truly do get to carry his heart in my heart every day. And sometimes, that's a little bit of peace that a heart-broken mama needs. 

2 comments:

  1. Tears, Krystal. Tears! On my face!

    Can we live closer so I can give you a hug?

    (I have a friend who lost a baby about nine years ago. She wrote this post this year: http://alderfamily.blogspot.com/2014/06/bright-perspective.html and it also made me cry...but it's SO beautiful (you should read it, as well as her other posts about Jesse because they're just all so beautiful)).

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  2. Sorry, just because they're hard to find: this post is another that I just love.

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