I don't have a picture for this. I don't know how I could represent it appropriately.
But I do want to discuss it. Because there are light and dark sides to this 'after-life' of having a child die. A before and after. There are moments when I'm totally at peace with what happened, and then there are moments when I am angry at everyone and everything, when I honestly want to yell at God and tell Him that He was wrong, that my boy should be here with ME. When I don't understand that there's a purpose behind it all, and a great plan in place.
There are moments when I feel like I'm living a dream, that this life, the life I'm living without one of my children, is really my life. I wonder how on earth we got to this place. 10 years ago, when Matt and I were dating, I never would have thought something like *this* could happen to us.
There's a quote going around facebook right now, in the baby loss community that says "1 in 4 in not just a statistic, it's me". And that's how I feel sometimes. Sometimes I feel like a statistic and that makes me angry, but it's true. It's me.
It's like living on a yo-yo. Going back and forth between the good moments and the bad moments. The light and the dark. Yes, the dark times suck, but I get through them and enjoy the light times. I imagine it will be like this forever, and because I'm in a light-time, I'm ok with that. When I'm in a dark time I probably won't be pleased, but right now I understand that this is how it is.