Monday, June 24, 2013

Update

I've had people ask how things are going, if there are any changes going on with our baby and our situation.  I wish I could say yes to these people.  I wish I could tell them that magically kidneys showed up and our baby is producing amniotic fluid now.  Or that the heart is pumping properly.  Or any sort of good news.

But I can't.  Mostly because I have no idea, having not had an ultrasound since my Maternal Fetal Medicine appointment.  No one quite understands how badly I wish I could say we've been given a miracle, but that's not going to happen.  I just feel it.

People have also asked what we're doing to do.  Here's what we're going to do.  We've turned the situation over to the Lord.  He is the only one who knows what is best for everyone, who knows our hearts and knows what we need.  He is the only one who can see the end of all things, and sees exactly how this little baby fits perfectly into His plan.  So I've tried my hardest to amp up my faith.  I've tried to push the angry thoughts out of my head when they come.  The "Why me? It's not fair!" thoughts that tear me down.  It's not easy, I've done more than my fair share of complaining.  But at this point, we're letting things play out without intervention on our part.  It's not our place to determine when this baby comes.  I can't even fathom picking the date this baby would die on, as I feel it wiggle inside me, fully alive.  That's too much for a parent to bear.

We're preparing for our sweetheart's arrival--regardless of how it comes.  Our baby could be born still, the heart having given out already (I have a doppler and monitor it, as well as making sure I feel our baby move, what little movement there is).  Or our baby could bless us with a few moments in our arms before passing on.  The outcome will be the same, and we are preparing for it as much as we can.  It's not an easy thing to think about--I can't decide if knowing the end is coming and having a date where it will for sure be here by, or being surprised would be better.  It's a mixed feeling, the pros and cons of each type of situation.

I've been keeping myself busy in the meantime, making mementos and burial clothes/blankets.  Things that I can hold with our angel, and as the years pass pull them back out and remember the time we were blessed with.  Things to help the kids remember their sibling who isn't here with them, to help them deal with it as they need to.  (on that note, our children do not know what is going on--please DO NOT attempt to talk to them about it, this is NOT news that needs to come from anyone but Matt or myself)

And that is how things are going.  They're going.

(PS-I'm now 27 weeks pregnant)

4 comments:

  1. Your little angel is blessed to come to a family as wonderful and strong as yours, even if you don't feel like it right now.

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  2. I'm so sorry. My heart aches for you and it aches so imperfectly because I don't know what it's like to have children. What a wonderful thing to do to be able to turn to the Lord. As your hearts are already wounded (and I hope you get to spend some time with your baby!) I can only suggest that your prayer be the prayer I have said more times this past eleven months saving "why?" as I am an imperfect mortal and don't understand everything here. I asked the Lord to heal me His way as He is perfect and I didn't know what else to do or even for that which to ask. I will pray for your family! I love you all and am sending love! xoxo

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  3. Dear Krystal, I echo what Annik said. You and Matt are awesome people, and I admire you both so much for the courage and faith you have exhibited in the face of difficulties. I admired you over Martin's babyhood challenges, and now I am admiring you again. And I am learning from you. Thank you so much for your example, and your friendship with my children. You mean a lot to our family.

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  4. Hi Krystal. My name is Sarah Rieke and you left a comment on my blog, Life and Grace, on a post about planning an infant funeral/memorial service. I lost my daughter to a very similar condition as your sweet one has just this past November. The thing I wanted most during the four months we anticipated Evie's death was to talk to someone who had been there. I was desperate to share my thoughts and concerns with someone who had already walked this difficult road.

    If I can help you in any way, please, please let me know. I would be more than happy to email back and forth or give you my phone number so we can talk. It's such a difficult thing and feeling like you're not alone helps just a little. I would be honored to help you through this journey in any way I can.

    You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I pray God's peace over you during this time.

    Warmly,
    Sarah Rieke
    sarahjrieke@gmail.com

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