Monday, June 24, 2013


I've had people ask how things are going, if there are any changes going on with our baby and our situation.  I wish I could say yes to these people.  I wish I could tell them that magically kidneys showed up and our baby is producing amniotic fluid now.  Or that the heart is pumping properly.  Or any sort of good news.

But I can't.  Mostly because I have no idea, having not had an ultrasound since my Maternal Fetal Medicine appointment.  No one quite understands how badly I wish I could say we've been given a miracle, but that's not going to happen.  I just feel it.

People have also asked what we're doing to do.  Here's what we're going to do.  We've turned the situation over to the Lord.  He is the only one who knows what is best for everyone, who knows our hearts and knows what we need.  He is the only one who can see the end of all things, and sees exactly how this little baby fits perfectly into His plan.  So I've tried my hardest to amp up my faith.  I've tried to push the angry thoughts out of my head when they come.  The "Why me? It's not fair!" thoughts that tear me down.  It's not easy, I've done more than my fair share of complaining.  But at this point, we're letting things play out without intervention on our part.  It's not our place to determine when this baby comes.  I can't even fathom picking the date this baby would die on, as I feel it wiggle inside me, fully alive.  That's too much for a parent to bear.

We're preparing for our sweetheart's arrival--regardless of how it comes.  Our baby could be born still, the heart having given out already (I have a doppler and monitor it, as well as making sure I feel our baby move, what little movement there is).  Or our baby could bless us with a few moments in our arms before passing on.  The outcome will be the same, and we are preparing for it as much as we can.  It's not an easy thing to think about--I can't decide if knowing the end is coming and having a date where it will for sure be here by, or being surprised would be better.  It's a mixed feeling, the pros and cons of each type of situation.

I've been keeping myself busy in the meantime, making mementos and burial clothes/blankets.  Things that I can hold with our angel, and as the years pass pull them back out and remember the time we were blessed with.  Things to help the kids remember their sibling who isn't here with them, to help them deal with it as they need to.  (on that note, our children do not know what is going on--please DO NOT attempt to talk to them about it, this is NOT news that needs to come from anyone but Matt or myself)

And that is how things are going.  They're going.

(PS-I'm now 27 weeks pregnant)