I knew that having a baby would be a lot of work, and I knew that I wouldn't get much sleep. but i didn't know how I would react to everything. I had an idea of how I would be, but it turns out I wasn't very close to be accurate.
a few nights ago, I went to bed around 10pm, while Matt kept an eye on Katryn--which means keeping her noises to a minimum (if possible--she makes a LOT of noise--see here). He came to bed around 1am, and i fed Katryn and she stayed awake until 5-6am. I was a wreck. Complete emotional mess. I'm a sleeper! I used to sleep around 10 hours a night. That's how I function the best, I've been like that for about 10 years. so trying to get by on 4 hours of sleep does not work well for me.
I tried everything to get her to go to sleep. I guess her falling asleep wasn't really the problem. I'd hold her and she's fall asleep, I'd lay her down in her bed and she'd wake up and start crying. so we'd start the process all over. I'd even wait until I knew she was completely out and slowly lay her down--keeping my arms under her for a while so she'd get accustomed to the feel of her bed in place of my arms. No luck.
Matt took her for about an hour and had her sleep on his chest, since she sleeps best being cuddled/held. so I got a bit of sleep, but that was probably not a good thing. I was even MORE tired than I was before, if that was possible. I'm carrying Katryn around, crying but not really knowing why. That happened a few times that night. I even had to just lay her down in bed and leave because I was such a mess and I just sat in the bathroom and cried for a while.
The next morning I felt a little silly about how I had reacted, but sleep deprivation had set in on me. We finally fell asleep around 8am, when matt got up for work. I just held her in my arms and we were able to sleep for about 3 hours.
I wasn't excepting emotional breakdowns because I have a baby now. I've never really been an emotionally strung person, if that makes sense. I rarely cry, or get upset, mad etc. I'm an easy-going person. But having a baby changed that completely, and I wasn't expecting that at all. I imagine I'll have more breakdowns as she gets older, but hopefully as she starts sleeping longer through the night, and I start getting more sleep, it'll be better. Hopefully.