Sunday, November 06, 2005

This time. . .all I want is you

"Take me away"

It's been almost a month, and I realize I'm a slacker in my blogging, and I apologize. . .but this blog is for me more than anyone else. I don't care that everyone thinks I'm being dumb. Well, that's not true, i do care, because I know that they care about me.

I talked to my sister the other day, she called to see if I was still moving to florida, and she expressed her concern for me. that was the one person who I thought "wow, she has genuine concern, but she'll still treat me the same way she always has, she'll still tell me the exciting things in her life," whereas my father just ignores me and tells me I'm stupid (direct quote there) that's love for ya. I'm sure he's concerned, but he has a horrible way of expressing it, which makes it seem like he just thinks I'm stupid. Florida sister expressed concerns, and that I'm smart enough to make my own decisions in life now.

And I have made my decision, I am dating Captain Jax and I am happy with my decision. Happier than I've been with any other decision I've made lately. I don't understand everything that happened between us, I don't understand why I had to be hurting for so long, and he was so happy with Nickel. I don't understand what it was I was supposed to learn in any of that time, and I don't understand what made him decide i was worth more than another girl he could ever be with, why I would be the girl he would wait around forever for, and die single if I decided I couldn't be with him.

I fought it, I'm not going to lie about that. I didn't just jump back into his arms at his first request, or second, or third. I told him no, that I didn't want a relationship with someone who had lost my trust more than once. And it's true, I don't want a relationship with someone that I'm worried will leave me at any whim, or even that most powerful feeling that he has to leave. But life doesn't happen the way you want it to, and the Lord gives us things when He knows we need them, whether or not we know we need them, or if we even want them.

I'm so happy when I'm with him, but I'm scared to bring him up around my family, I'm scared of my dad's reaction to anything I might mention. I'm scared to even let him come over to the house because of how horrible he will be treated.

*sighs* why can't they be happy that I'm happy, and forgive him for what he did. . .I did afterall, and I was the one who was hurt the most. Christ forgave others, even those who hated him with all passions. This is what living like this does.


  1. you know, random thought, maybe you should change your profile to 'not single' because on your main page thats the last thing your mini profile says, and then your blog says how your back together. your being a hyporcit you know. *tsk tsk* anywho, best of luck to you at home, I am getting a bit of it as well from sister here, :P

  2. Weird how things change.