Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I want to give you, whatever you need. WHat is it you need? Is it within me?

let's put Rockflower's real name here. . .and I'll give you a list that's the fad right now with the BBer's and a few other blogs. This is what Google thinks I need. . .

-needs more chili, less cheesification (I strongly disagree with this. . .but it was #1)
help completing two-handed tasks (yeah, I can see that. . .)
to know if JR is for real (ok, not my fav soap, but funny nonetheless)
a last name, and I don't mean McCloud (I concur with this one. . .I couldn't win the alphabet game! ;)
to shut up already (dang)
a life outside of her daughter already. (whoa. . .)
your help to get the "Anticonformity" video to climb the Religious Yahoo music charts (yes, please help!)
a crash helmet (heavens yes)
-needs you (needs I say more?)
total care, including feeding, diapering and supervision *sighs* go figure

that's a little interesting to me, all are directly from the quote "(rockflower's real name) needs".
that was kinda fun actually, made me laugh at least. Turns out I'm not a very smart person according to google, and I need all sorts of help, both metally and phsycially. Oh well, this is what living like this does!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

If I stay lucky then my tongue will stay tied

Seven Mary Three

I have been so incredibly busy, it's driving me crazy! I can't even call my sister back! what kind of person am I. I have been working everyday, and when I'm not working, I'm in class, or doing homework. I'm a little stressed out, I'm not going to lie.

I feel like I've dropped a lot of things that I used to do all the time. I feel like I have no time to write, just write like I used to do. Like I need to do. I had a goal to blog Something once a day, and then it's once a week, and now it's more like once a month! I hate that. This is where I'm able to get everything out, where I'm able to just let go and it makes me feel better.

I haven't been able to go to poetasters for a while either. I miss that a lot a lot. it was something that MADE me write, I wanted to have something new every week, and alas, I have written one new poem in the past month. What the heck?? that's not good. (yeah, the poem wasn't that good either. . .) *sighs* there's so many things I want to, and I know I don't have the time for it.

There are a few things that I absolutely love, and want to continue for the rest of my life. Writing, outdoor thing, and now, yoga. But I'm finding the only way I'm able to do those things is to force myself to do them. Why is that? I don't write unless I have something I need to do for my class. it's WAY too cold outside, but for my rock climbing class, I only use my pass on the day I have lab/class. which is tuesday. Although I could very well find the time to do it during the week. I don't. Yoga. . .ah, I love it, it makes me feel better. and I've been offered an awesome deal at the "it's yoga" store in the riverwoods ($23 a month, if I sign up for a year, for most people (aka-not students) it's $90/month). but I don't know if I should take it or not. . .I don't know if I'll be here for a year to use it, at most 1/2 a year probably. . .*sighs* this is what living like this does. . .

Sunday, November 06, 2005

This time. . .all I want is you

"Take me away"

It's been almost a month, and I realize I'm a slacker in my blogging, and I apologize. . .but this blog is for me more than anyone else. I don't care that everyone thinks I'm being dumb. Well, that's not true, i do care, because I know that they care about me.

I talked to my sister the other day, she called to see if I was still moving to florida, and she expressed her concern for me. that was the one person who I thought "wow, she has genuine concern, but she'll still treat me the same way she always has, she'll still tell me the exciting things in her life," whereas my father just ignores me and tells me I'm stupid (direct quote there) that's love for ya. I'm sure he's concerned, but he has a horrible way of expressing it, which makes it seem like he just thinks I'm stupid. Florida sister expressed concerns, and that I'm smart enough to make my own decisions in life now.

And I have made my decision, I am dating Captain Jax and I am happy with my decision. Happier than I've been with any other decision I've made lately. I don't understand everything that happened between us, I don't understand why I had to be hurting for so long, and he was so happy with Nickel. I don't understand what it was I was supposed to learn in any of that time, and I don't understand what made him decide i was worth more than another girl he could ever be with, why I would be the girl he would wait around forever for, and die single if I decided I couldn't be with him.

I fought it, I'm not going to lie about that. I didn't just jump back into his arms at his first request, or second, or third. I told him no, that I didn't want a relationship with someone who had lost my trust more than once. And it's true, I don't want a relationship with someone that I'm worried will leave me at any whim, or even that most powerful feeling that he has to leave. But life doesn't happen the way you want it to, and the Lord gives us things when He knows we need them, whether or not we know we need them, or if we even want them.

I'm so happy when I'm with him, but I'm scared to bring him up around my family, I'm scared of my dad's reaction to anything I might mention. I'm scared to even let him come over to the house because of how horrible he will be treated.

*sighs* why can't they be happy that I'm happy, and forgive him for what he did. . .I did afterall, and I was the one who was hurt the most. Christ forgave others, even those who hated him with all passions. This is what living like this does.