Monday, October 10, 2005

If I'm asking you to hold me tight, it's gonne be alright

Artist: Mandy Moore
Title: It's gonna be

I don't know where to start. I couldn't get his voice out of my head last night, it was as if everything I thought was in his voice, and his laugh danced across my thoughts, interupting them, and making me smile.

One week ago the very thought of him hurt my heart, and made me want to curl up and hide. Now, there's a smile on my lips that I can't get rid of if I tried.

Ladies and gents. . .he's back.

Maybe I should start from the beginning, who knows, my future postarity could read this, since it is a lot like a journal to me. After tuesday, I thought I'd be ok, that I would just carry on and perhaps even be able to be friends with him. But he emailed me and told me he missed me, and wanted to talk to me, and tell me some things, ask me some questions. that was the very last thing I wanted, I did not want to spend time with him, I knew it would hurt too much. But alas, curiosity gets the best of me, everytime.

I scheduale a time in about a week (enough time to get my emotions under control, and to prep myself for it. . .) and then I can't get him out of my thoughts. I've mentioned before, I build things up, I create scenerios about what could happen, and that's where it killed me. I wanted to back out, I wanted to yell at him to get out of my life, that he's hurt me enough, and I don't want to be told again how fantastic his relationship with Nickel is, and how he hopes that someday we can be the friends we used to me, maybe go on a double date some time, all the friend jazz.

Way to turn my world upside down. All of a sudden he's everywhere, and I can't get rid of him, I can't get him out of my mind, and it's hurting me, and I'm trying to hard to be 'brave' and say, it's ok, I'm still ok. And my mind just wanders, creating a world of it's own. I wondered what I would say to him, if he did decided to ask me to come back to him. Would I say no? would I cry? would I say no? would I be able to say anything at all?

I'm slightly worried. . .this is what living like this does

2 comments:

  1. "With God, all things are possible."

    ReplyDelete
  2. Interesting that once you start back up with boy, you stop blogging. come on, i need some form of entertainment while sitting in my computer class.

    ReplyDelete