Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I miss my friend

Artist: Darryl Worley
title: I miss my friend

for every week i was with him, I get one day of mourning, so says asmond. I did a quick calculation, and it turned out I only get roughly 196 days of mourning, and it's been about 180. so technically, I should get 2 more weeks to dwell in my woe and heart ache.

I saw him today, and it was harder than I thought. let me tell you the story *pauses while everyone quickly sits down and readies themselves for a story*

The last friend I had on a mission came home last night, so like a good friend I am, I took McKay, and we chalked him. Of course! it's what I do with mcKay. Said RM, called me this morning, and we planned to get together, after I got ready for the day, because McKay kept me up too late last night, watching a movie he hated, but I thought was funny ('saved' w/ mandy moore) so I slept through yoga today, and skipped institute, so I could hang out with this rm. (who shall now be referred to as Steve, since well, that's his name, and who cares about annominity (sp?) right now?) and we did. We went to lunch at the Olive Garden, and we caught up on life for a bit, and it was quite nice, because of all the missionaries, I think I missed him the most, because he understands me the most i think, and is guarenteed to make me laugh all the time.

Well, after our fantistic lunch at the Olive Garden, with Flying Jeans, and his almost fiancee, we decided we wanted to go climbing, since the dollar theater is no longer playing Mr. and Mrs. Smith. We are on our way to the gym, and who should call but Captain Jax. Not me of course, because I wouldn't answer my phone if he called. that and he didn't konw I was hanging out with his two friends.

See, our plan was for us to go climbing, and get Steve back to his house by 4:30 because that's when captain jax was supposed to be there to meet him. I would just go on my merry way, maybe write a poem, or do my spanish test, whilst the boys hung out. so at 2:00 when he calls, we were a little surprised. They tell him we're going climbing right now, and that I'm with them. a pause in the phone conversation. Flying Jeans turns to me "are you ok, would you be ok if he came? because if not, it's fine, we all understand"

"I honestly don't know" I say, "It's been 6 months since I've seen him" and since I wanted to be a Christlike person, I said "yeah, it's fine" since I also knew Steve really wanted to see him, and I wasn't going to give up climbing for him. I did hear him asking Flying Jeans on the phone a few times if I was sure. I wasn't sure, I knew that, but I couldn't push him away forever, it wwas bound to happen. I said I'd have my own car, and if I couldn't handle it, than I'd leave.

What was I freakin' thinking. Seeing him, that hurt, that hurt so much. but alas, it wasn't the worst feeling I'd felt as of late (past 6 months) While they were paying for everything, and getting checked into the gyms (waviers, all that jazz) I walked to the back of the store, and took a dozen deep breathes, and cursed my emotions for riding so high, as I tried not to fall apart. After all, I promised myself that I was moving on, that I was done with him and wasn't going to be affected by him. but I was, I was very much affected by him.

I threw myself into the climbing, I climbed at least 10 different climbs, and would not come down until I conquered it, no matter how tight my forearms got, or that I could no longer grip the holds. I was NOT coming down. I did end up climbing a 5.10, which made me quite happy.

I tried at first to hold a conversation with him, but I didn't like it, it was wierd. I don't know why, I didn't want to tell him what was going on in my life, because I didn't want to be told back what was going on in his life. so I avoided him. I tried to have other people belay me, and for me not to belay him, I didn't want to have to stare so intently at him as he climbed. I did catch myself glancing at him way too often though, and the few times our eyes caught each other, he gave me a small "I know this sucks, you're very brave about it" smile (I know, because he's given it to be before).

He looked good, I'm not going to lie, his style has gone up, and I was impressed. But the part that hurt the most I think was some of his extra articles. He had a ponytail on his wrist, like the the ones he used to always steal from me, and an italian charm bracelet, the one the girls always wear (obviously not his) and the necklace that used to have the charm I gave him on it, has something else instead, his watchband that used to have a venturing pin, has something else, I'm sure something that is hers. it hurt to see how I'm obviously no where in his life anymore, and it was really hard.

as far as I know, I didn't feel any romantic feelings for him, but as of late, I'm having a hard time feeling much of anything at all, (but a pain inside) so it's hard to tell. But I do feel like I lost the one person here who knows me inside out, who understands me and doesn't think less of me for the stupid things I've done in my life, or the pain I cause others or myself. The one who thought I was beautiful just because I'm me, the one who thought I was smart even though I wasn't, who overlooked my insecurites and helped me grow spiritually. This person my heart and soul confided in, who made me feel safe when I was scared. I lost my best friend and I can't get him back, and that's what hurts the most because I know I can't get that back. It breaks my heart all over again, and makes me cry like I've never shed tears before. This is what living like this does.


  1. You got to tell steve hi for me and tell him I am on SUU's ballroom team. As for the rest of your blog, I hope that the next two weeks of your final greiving (sp?)goes well and that you emerge triumphantly. I'll call you friday when my minutes are upped.

  2. can I tell you the kicker?? he sent me an email later, telling me he misses me, and would like to get together and talk sometime. Who does that?!? ARG!!! I'm so annoyed and frustrated!!

  3. Stay away! Block that email address! What more would you like me to say? You should come be crafty with me (oh wait, you are getting a life now). You're awesome! AJ

  4. Gar, I haven't talked to you in ages...I miss my friend.