Wednesday, October 26, 2005

It was a graveyard smash!

Since it is, afterall, almost Halloween, I thought that i would post some humor on here, to take off from my 'normal' venting state of being.

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
-Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
What's a monster's favorite bean?
-A human bean
What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
-A sand-witch
What does a ghost go on Saturday night?
-Anywhere where he can boo-gie
What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
-he didn't have a haunting license
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
-he had no body to dance with
Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
-At the casketeria
Where did the goblin throw the football?
-Over the ghoul line
Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
-Because he is always a goblin
Where do most goblins live?
-In North and South Scarolina
What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?
-A toasty ghosty
What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae?
-Whipped scream
What do you give a skeleton for valentine's day?
-Bone-bones in a heart shaped box
What is a vampires favorite holiday?

there ya go kids. Paco, I hope this gives you entertainment in your class, actually I hope you bust a gut and everyone turns to look at you. Just turn up your collar on that $250 jacket, and remember, you are cool because you're wearing chacos, carharts, a mountain hardwear jacket, and a columbia beanie. . .and they're not.

*grins* this is what living like this does

Monday, October 10, 2005

If I'm asking you to hold me tight, it's gonne be alright

Artist: Mandy Moore
Title: It's gonna be

I don't know where to start. I couldn't get his voice out of my head last night, it was as if everything I thought was in his voice, and his laugh danced across my thoughts, interupting them, and making me smile.

One week ago the very thought of him hurt my heart, and made me want to curl up and hide. Now, there's a smile on my lips that I can't get rid of if I tried.

Ladies and gents. . .he's back.

Maybe I should start from the beginning, who knows, my future postarity could read this, since it is a lot like a journal to me. After tuesday, I thought I'd be ok, that I would just carry on and perhaps even be able to be friends with him. But he emailed me and told me he missed me, and wanted to talk to me, and tell me some things, ask me some questions. that was the very last thing I wanted, I did not want to spend time with him, I knew it would hurt too much. But alas, curiosity gets the best of me, everytime.

I scheduale a time in about a week (enough time to get my emotions under control, and to prep myself for it. . .) and then I can't get him out of my thoughts. I've mentioned before, I build things up, I create scenerios about what could happen, and that's where it killed me. I wanted to back out, I wanted to yell at him to get out of my life, that he's hurt me enough, and I don't want to be told again how fantastic his relationship with Nickel is, and how he hopes that someday we can be the friends we used to me, maybe go on a double date some time, all the friend jazz.

Way to turn my world upside down. All of a sudden he's everywhere, and I can't get rid of him, I can't get him out of my mind, and it's hurting me, and I'm trying to hard to be 'brave' and say, it's ok, I'm still ok. And my mind just wanders, creating a world of it's own. I wondered what I would say to him, if he did decided to ask me to come back to him. Would I say no? would I cry? would I say no? would I be able to say anything at all?

I'm slightly worried. . .this is what living like this does

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I miss my friend

Artist: Darryl Worley
title: I miss my friend

for every week i was with him, I get one day of mourning, so says asmond. I did a quick calculation, and it turned out I only get roughly 196 days of mourning, and it's been about 180. so technically, I should get 2 more weeks to dwell in my woe and heart ache.

I saw him today, and it was harder than I thought. let me tell you the story *pauses while everyone quickly sits down and readies themselves for a story*

The last friend I had on a mission came home last night, so like a good friend I am, I took McKay, and we chalked him. Of course! it's what I do with mcKay. Said RM, called me this morning, and we planned to get together, after I got ready for the day, because McKay kept me up too late last night, watching a movie he hated, but I thought was funny ('saved' w/ mandy moore) so I slept through yoga today, and skipped institute, so I could hang out with this rm. (who shall now be referred to as Steve, since well, that's his name, and who cares about annominity (sp?) right now?) and we did. We went to lunch at the Olive Garden, and we caught up on life for a bit, and it was quite nice, because of all the missionaries, I think I missed him the most, because he understands me the most i think, and is guarenteed to make me laugh all the time.

Well, after our fantistic lunch at the Olive Garden, with Flying Jeans, and his almost fiancee, we decided we wanted to go climbing, since the dollar theater is no longer playing Mr. and Mrs. Smith. We are on our way to the gym, and who should call but Captain Jax. Not me of course, because I wouldn't answer my phone if he called. that and he didn't konw I was hanging out with his two friends.

See, our plan was for us to go climbing, and get Steve back to his house by 4:30 because that's when captain jax was supposed to be there to meet him. I would just go on my merry way, maybe write a poem, or do my spanish test, whilst the boys hung out. so at 2:00 when he calls, we were a little surprised. They tell him we're going climbing right now, and that I'm with them. a pause in the phone conversation. Flying Jeans turns to me "are you ok, would you be ok if he came? because if not, it's fine, we all understand"

"I honestly don't know" I say, "It's been 6 months since I've seen him" and since I wanted to be a Christlike person, I said "yeah, it's fine" since I also knew Steve really wanted to see him, and I wasn't going to give up climbing for him. I did hear him asking Flying Jeans on the phone a few times if I was sure. I wasn't sure, I knew that, but I couldn't push him away forever, it wwas bound to happen. I said I'd have my own car, and if I couldn't handle it, than I'd leave.

What was I freakin' thinking. Seeing him, that hurt, that hurt so much. but alas, it wasn't the worst feeling I'd felt as of late (past 6 months) While they were paying for everything, and getting checked into the gyms (waviers, all that jazz) I walked to the back of the store, and took a dozen deep breathes, and cursed my emotions for riding so high, as I tried not to fall apart. After all, I promised myself that I was moving on, that I was done with him and wasn't going to be affected by him. but I was, I was very much affected by him.

I threw myself into the climbing, I climbed at least 10 different climbs, and would not come down until I conquered it, no matter how tight my forearms got, or that I could no longer grip the holds. I was NOT coming down. I did end up climbing a 5.10, which made me quite happy.

I tried at first to hold a conversation with him, but I didn't like it, it was wierd. I don't know why, I didn't want to tell him what was going on in my life, because I didn't want to be told back what was going on in his life. so I avoided him. I tried to have other people belay me, and for me not to belay him, I didn't want to have to stare so intently at him as he climbed. I did catch myself glancing at him way too often though, and the few times our eyes caught each other, he gave me a small "I know this sucks, you're very brave about it" smile (I know, because he's given it to be before).

He looked good, I'm not going to lie, his style has gone up, and I was impressed. But the part that hurt the most I think was some of his extra articles. He had a ponytail on his wrist, like the the ones he used to always steal from me, and an italian charm bracelet, the one the girls always wear (obviously not his) and the necklace that used to have the charm I gave him on it, has something else instead, his watchband that used to have a venturing pin, has something else, I'm sure something that is hers. it hurt to see how I'm obviously no where in his life anymore, and it was really hard.

as far as I know, I didn't feel any romantic feelings for him, but as of late, I'm having a hard time feeling much of anything at all, (but a pain inside) so it's hard to tell. But I do feel like I lost the one person here who knows me inside out, who understands me and doesn't think less of me for the stupid things I've done in my life, or the pain I cause others or myself. The one who thought I was beautiful just because I'm me, the one who thought I was smart even though I wasn't, who overlooked my insecurites and helped me grow spiritually. This person my heart and soul confided in, who made me feel safe when I was scared. I lost my best friend and I can't get him back, and that's what hurts the most because I know I can't get that back. It breaks my heart all over again, and makes me cry like I've never shed tears before. This is what living like this does.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

start to wonder how the chaos in our lives could pass as sane

Group: Switchfoot
Title: Stars
(Yup, still lovin' it)

I was finally able to let go and just say "Ok, I'm good" yesterday. sometimes work is just too much for me, and the girls I work with have too much drama. I did get a bonus, because my boss thinks I'm the only one that knows how to do anything, and will actually do what I'm supposed to (I konw this is catagorizing kids just out of HS, but these two don't have a work ethic, just want money for doing hardly anything, and then they wonder why they don't get raises. . .)

I've had this need to get out lately, to really just get out and just breathe, and let go of everything pent up inside of me. Rock canyon, the Kitchen climb, on the first try, 5 minutes. It was absolutely wonderful. And I only bled on the rocks a little bit :) I haven't climbed since school started. I felt so good, and was able to calm myself down, and put aside the worries I've had going on inside of me.

after priesthood session, we went back out with our headlamps and flashlights and climbed red slab. I haven't felt like this is a while, zeroed in on the climb itself, how the rock was feeling, and not just looking for a place to move up. This is why I climb, not because it's hard core, or because it's trendy (although in happy valley, it really is trendy). I climb because it makes me feel, it causes me to focus and not worry about whatever else is going on the world. I don't care that they're trying to set me up with stew or that I still can't get boy out of my mind, or that I have a spanish paper I really should be working on. I let go of everything destroying me inside and hold on to rock, because that's something tangible, something I have control over, where I can decide what will come next, if I'm going to fall, or move up. I have a say over this part of my life. I may not be able to do anything about everything else coming at me from all angles, but I can voice my opinion on the crag.

and then I can take a look at everything and realize it's not as important as i make it out to be, I'm doing the best I can and that's what's important. I had forgotten how much the outdoors do for me, and this is what living like this does