Saturday, September 03, 2005

My mom was sick. . .

And my dad he cared for her, his love, it nursed her back to life, and me I ran, I couldn't even look at her, for fear I'd have to say goodbye. and as I start to leave she grabs me by the shoulder and she tells me "What's left to lose, you've done enough, and if you fail, well then you fail but not to us, cause these last three years, I know they've been hard, but now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun, even if it's alone" -The format
about a year and 1/2 ago, well, actually almost 2years ago, my mom was sick, she had breast cancer and it scared me a lot. I remember getting a phone call at 6 in the morning from my older sister, who was living in the same town as me (we were both going to school) and telling me to pray for mom today because she was going in to get a biopsy. I didn't even konw what a biospy was, I had to ask her "To find out if she has cancer or not" I couldn't focus after that. . .I called captain jax, and left a barely cohesive message, as I broke down in tears. My mother could have cancer, and I was miles away. I felt so out of the loop. I found out later that my dad had called everyone but me, he just told my sister to tell me. There are six kids in my family, and I was the one that was left out of the loop and it hurt so much, especially since it involved something so serious.
It turned out she did have breast cancer, but it was still early enough they could do radiation and take care of it. I knew she had it, when I first heard there was a 95% chance that it was nothing, I knew she'd be in the 5% that it was something and she was. My mother had cancer. I got the phone call after school one day, she was crying, and i didn't know what to say or to do, since I knew the test results were going to be positive. my room-mates (amazing girls, love them all) were in the room when I got off the phone, and all I said was "My mom has cancer. I need to call captain jax" and walked out of the room. they expressed their sympathies, especially the crazy one who was going through chemo for her own cancer and understood a little about where I stood.
everyone knows that hardly anyone dies of breast cancer anymore, a few do, but not many. Well, my grandmother died of breast cancer about 25 years ago or so, my dad's mother. I have breast cancer coming at me from all sides now, and I'm in the highest range of those likely to get it, and I have those same feelings, like I had when I knew my mother had cancer, that I'm going to get cancer as well.
I have 4 sisters and 1 brother (and no, he's quite well-rounded for having 5 sisters) and all of them I think (except the 10 year old) researched about cancer as much as they could and found out as much information as they could. And what did I do? nothing. I pretty much avoided it at all costs. I was barely even home for the holiday's when she was going through her major radiation treatments. I didn't want to get close to it, like it was the plague "And me I ran, I couldn't stand to look at her, for fear I'd have to say goodbye"
and this is what living like this does.

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