Friday, September 23, 2005

Maybe I've been the problem, maybe I'm the one to blame

("Stars" by Switchfoot)

First off--go read my lil'bro's blog slacker it's brand new, and he doesn't have anyone else reading it so far. now onto me--

I skipped my spanish class today--don't tell! I decided instead to take a drive up the canyon. Wow, was it beautiful. The leaves have changed, so it's splotchy red/orange/green/brown all over the hills and mountains. if I wasn't driving I'd stick my head out the window like a happy pup and gaze in awe.

I ended up at Sundance, a place I haven't been a really long time, and need to visit more often. maybe when I have more time (ha!) but driving there next to the river on the slow road, right up close to the mountains reminded me of my may in Cedar. May was a rough time for me, it was a few weeks after captain jax broke things off and I was still really struggling to keep moving a lot of the time. I used to drive up Cedar Canyon almost every day after class. It was my moment to break down and cry my eyes out and let go of some of the pain, a bit of the emotions packed up inside me that were eating me up. but it was a wonderful time, because it gave me time to myself, and my music, the warm air, and the beautiful mountains.

that's what I thought about as Iwas driving today, but it didn't hurt as much as it used to, and here's the conclusion I've come to. It's me that I've got to work with, and I know it. I'm still holding onto something that's hurting me and that's my problem, and it'll eat up up eventually unless I find a way to get rid of it. I'm working on it.

Asmond called me when I was on my way up to Sundance, mad because I was supposed to go play with him he said, and I laughed and felt like I was in elementry school when one of my friends would call and ask me to go play with them. That phrase isn't used often enough, it's usually "Let's hang out" and that's just dumb. so I drive out of the canyon and call him up, and he get a little defensive because apparently my phone decided it doesn't want to let anyone konw who I am with I called, so it says unknown on the ID. I dunno, but then he has to go do work stuff, and I'm no longer up enjoying the mountains. And now I have to go to work *sighs* this is what living like this does.