Sunday, September 25, 2005

I'm moving on

Group: Rascal Flatts
Title: I'm Moving On

I went to the temple today, like I do every sunday, and as I was driving towards it, I realized that it's time for me to move on and let go. Captain jax served his purpose in my life, and I should have let go of him 2 years ago, but my heart and his heart didn't want to. I have a habit of ignoring logic and following feelings. I'm ok with that though.

But for the first time in a while, I felt ok with letting him go for good. I've tried a few times, don't get me wrong, I've pulled my faith out and tested it, but got freaked out and jumped right back into my comfort of holding onto my string of hope, and saying "No, there's not a blanket out there for me, this string will keep me warm" but I realized there's a HUGE fleece blanket out there for me, and dangit, I want it now. so I'm throwing about that tiny string that i thought was keeping me going, and reaching for that blanket. (sorry for the corny metaphor, it's late)

I walked around the temple, and stared up the the spire pointing to my stars and thought "This time it's going to work isn't it. This time when I let go, I'm really letting go. This time when I step forward and try a relationship with a guy I'm not going to have something holding me back. This time it's for real." and I felt it was. What an amazing feeling, almost like the repentance feeling, of letting go of the burden of sin, but instead, I'm letting going of him finally, and dropping the burden I've been carrying of heart-ache and hurt.

I do know that it's going to be hard, it's going to be something that causes me to hurt, I'm going to be scared, prayers will be hewn at the heavens in desperation, tears will push themselves forward, but I'm not turning back around this time. I'm going to push through it fully and I will be blessed in this endevour. I know Heavenly Father has been waiting for when I'm ready (or somewhat ready) and willing before He's going to let me know what it is I'm supposed to do, and why it is I'm not the one Captain Jax was supposed to marry, and where it is I'm supposed to go in life. But I'm submitting my will back to Him, and turning everything back to Him. He can lead me better than I can lead myself. And as Helaman's son Nephi found out, when you turn your will over to Him, seeking to find out His will and do it, then you'll be blessed forever. The things you ask for you'll get, because what you want is what the Lord wants as well (hel. 10:4-5).

I'm on my way, I'm going to be the best person I can be, I'm going to find the Lord's will for me, I'm going to love with everything in me, I'm going to be friends with all I meet, and I'm going to be the happiest person because this is what living like this does (and boy does it feel good)

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