Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Again I go unnoticed

So this is Asmond's fault, and I'll blame him FULLY for getting me addicted to this thing we call blogging. *sighs* and now I'm even being introduced as 'Rockflower' and not my 'real' name. But it hasn't been bad, I've met Bawb, Toasteroven, thirdmango, and various others. (toasteroven went through the whole group pointing out who had blogs). it's a little wierd, but interesting to go and read these people's blogs and get to know them before they really even know me. Hehe.
I went to poetasters (??not sure if that's right) tonight, Asmond told me about it, because I'm currently attending the byu readings fridays at noon, and he thought I might be interested. what it is, is a group of people that get together and read poetry (duh, I know). yay for Asmond and his correctness inmy interest!! i was a little sketched out at first, because I'm not a byu student, and don't really care to try to be one (maybe grad school, if I decide to do that and can afford it) and I wasn't sure how they would take a random girl just showing up to hear some poetry. I suck and didn't even think to bring my own, I was honestly expecting a bigger group, there were able 10-ish people. But I think I said maybe 5 words the whole freakin' time. Why am I so shy sometimes? I hate it, I was sitting there thinking "Rockflower! you suck! just open your mouth and talk! you go off about how you want to meet some people and make new friends, and then you keep quiet and no one gets to know you, and they'll just forget about you." so next time I'm going to talk more, because I'm intrigued by some of these people and want to get to know them, and I'm always looking to improve my poetry and writing skills in general, gotta talk for that one. but don't take the things I say here as my 'writing' this is my rant page, and it's really more stream of conscienceness (I probably spelled that word wrong. . .)
but yay for poetry and the way words work together. I've been ready Mary Oliver for my poetry class and she is so simple in her writings, it's quite nice and refreshing that it's not huge words, but just as powerful.
I'm facing a dilema right now, and it's getting rather frustrating, because I know what I have to do about it. I'm thinking about moving out. I currently live at home (I know, curse me for doing something like that) but I have a valid reason. I'm cheap, I'll admit it, and I have a puppy that I need to take care of (read the earlier blog titled something like "It hurts when you disapproved all along") at least until she gets trained better and my parents and lil' sister will be willing to take care of her. anyway, I lack a social life and I hate it. My ward I'm attending is the stake's single ward, so it's all people from the neighborhood, I've grown up with them, and they're still living at home. and that's the problem, I'm not meeting anyone new, I'm not doing anything on the weekends, but sitting at home feeling selfish and woe is me for I have no friends. I graduate this december!! and then I'm no longer in the 'education' atmosphere' so I'm trying to figure out where to take my life.
Point being, I think I need to move out, and the lessons I've been having in all my institute classes are telling me what to do. We've been talking about revelation a lot, and the process of recieving revelation, how I need to do the research for it all, pay the price, put some work into my choices before I come to the Lord with it. I even have to make the choice, and not ask Him to tell me what one is right (that's where I get messed up. . .memories of last summer. . .)
actually, that deserves a paragraph. Last summer--2004, I was living in Cedar City, going to SUU and working 2 jobs (you can read a story about it on my writings blog.) and I lived with room-mates from hell. Ok, maybe not that bad, but the fact that they were have sex upstairs (I lived in the basement) and all sorts of dirty things were going on I couldn't live there. The Spirit literally left as I walked down the street towards home! before I even GOT there! it was horrible, horrible, horrible. so my, heatha, and cy make the decision to move and we find an awesome little house still close to campus that has lofts in all of the bedrooms! how freakin' cool is that!? it was so neat. bla-bla-bla, I don't feel it's right for me to move there, I don't know why, (I do now) but I'm really torn about signing a contract there. I talked with my bishop, cried about it (stupid emotions) talked with captain jax, and prayed a lot. I knew I wasn't supposed to live there. but what do I do? I sign a contract, because I don't want to live with people I don't know, because I was scared of getting horrible room-mates again, and not living with my cool friends. that was a HUGE mistake. I totally went against what the spirit was telling me, and I ended up having to move in december because of schooling and losing over $500 to my landlord, almost being sued, and going through trauma.
so yeah, I'm trying to do it in the right order, because it's important to me, so I'm doing the research right now, I'm talking to people, looking online, trying to find the best place for me, and when it'll be good for me to move, getting my dog trained so my dad won't kick her out of the house, and then I can make a decision and ask the Lord if it's ok if I move forward with it. I also learned that it's important to ask His will in the matter, and then be willing to actually do His will. that's also where I mess up, because dang it, when I want it, I want it.
so I'm checking provo, because it's cheaper, there's more people (by more people, I mean more good people, I don't want sluts for room-mates again) and I'm hoping I can get things squared away with this. frustrating
and my sleep scheduale is so messed up. I told myself I'd be in bed at 10:30 tonight, so I could get up at 7 and get things done (or go into work early-yuck) and what time is it? that's right, almost 11:30. I suck, and will be therefore sleepy tomorrow again. curses, this is what living like this does


  1. Bah, I kept thinking you needed to talk, those are some good folks, and you'd have enjoyed it more...it was my first time and while I did know a couple of the people...the majority I didn't know in person...SO STOP!

    That is about all for now...

    Don't kill anyone.

  2. don't kill anyone. . .who do you think I am?