Friday, September 30, 2005

When I look at the stars, I feel like myself

Group: Switchfoot
Title: Stars
(this is currently my fav song)

I'm a little frustrated right now, and I hate it. I can't get boy out of my head, and it's really driving me crazy because there is nothing I can do to alter the situation any, and I'm feeling it highly unlikely that he has any interest in me. *growls*

I need to get out and do something, I need to go slacking, or climbing, or take a hike. I went up to sundance last friday, and that made me feel good, and calmed me down quite a bit. that's what I need. Let's just say it's a good thing conference is this weekend, because I could use some serious guidence. I wish I would've prepared more for it, actually picked problems I'm struggling with trying to find a way to solve them, and then prayed for the answers to come while I listen to conf. But at the same time, I'm not even sure what problems I have. I'm trying to find out what it is the Lord wants me to do. I already know what I want to do, but is it what I'm supposed to do? I want a kick in the pants to get me going in the right direction!!

I would say my biggest concern right now is when I'm going to find someone who wants to date me. I'm not one of those girls that has that need to always be with someone, I never have been. I had a friend say "You have to be ok alone before you can be ok in a relationship" and I concur completely. But I feel like I've reached that point in my life but I don't know what to do about it, and that's where it gets hard.

and what about graduate school? I finish with my bacholors this december, and then it's kinda like "hmmm, what to do with myself, besides write like the madwoman I am, and work some place to pay the bills" but I don't know if I have the brains or strength to make it through graduate school. And if so. . .where do I go? my two choices are the U or the Y (currently)

and a place to live? I can't live at home because I'm a big kid dangit, but I have my pup to take care, and I don't know what to do about her. *sighs* I give up, I don't care about anything, it takes too much work, and I've about had it with worrying and trying. this is what living like this does

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Your present's just a pleasent interuption

Title: Konstatine
Group: Something Corporate

I am so tired. . .I went and saw "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" at my fav. theater last night with Smurfs, Asmond, and ______ (insert her online name here, because, well, I don't know it) and it was an awesome movie, I enjoyed myself. Didn't get much homework done since I was at work before Asmond called, but I'm ok with that. getting up at 7am though, after going to bed at 1am, was a little difficult for me, I'm not gonna lie. but I had yoga first, and I felt good, and a little sore actually. I'm getting the breaths down, which makes me happy :)

I joined blue-beta recently, and I've quite enjoyed myself, and felt quite welcome! I was a little hesitent, I'm not going to lie, but I've had such a good time so far, just getting to know people on there, some I've met in real life, some not, but I'm anxious to meet them all and have new friends.

on a random note, I had my "awareness" poem critiqued in my poetry class this afternoon, and I have a funny feeling from my prof. He's an interesting guy, and I'm learning alot from him, but at the same time, I have a suspicious feeling he's going to work me hard this semseter. I don't speak up much in class, I don't care to, I'm not going to lie. but he keeps looking at me when he talks about the poems, I don't know if I give a lot of attention to him when he's talking, or if I seem like smart person, or what. Maybe he can just sense my poetic nature, and that's ncie. He's seemed to critique my poem pretty good today--but maybe I'm just looking for another mentor to replace my suu mentors, I'm not sure. . .

another random note, I was reading some old blue-beta stuff today, and one was something about the first two things I wish people noticed about me, and my first thoughts were:
1-I'm not mean because I'm quiet, and I don't hate you--I'm just quiet sometimes
2-I'm lonely and would love to be your friend

so I'm curious (with those that read this blog) what were your first impressions of me? I want to know, because I don't want to be that girl, for this is what living like this does (I know, sometimes I have to stretch on these)

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

this single minded fascination I've got

Singer: Trisha Yearwood
Title: Thinking about you

I have a bad habit of building things up in my mind, and then they turn into such a letdown when they actually happen. I think that's the romantic part of me coming out. I create amazing situations that will happen when i run into _____ (insert name here) and then I either a) never run into _____ or b) it's no where even CLOSE to what I had imagined, and i feel like a fool.

take now for example. I met boy a few weeks ago, and was intrigued by him, quite intrigued, as in, he seemed very similar to the type of guys I date, and well, boy hasn't really gotton out of my mind, especially after a friend told me he seems interested in me. Well, well, well, look at that! but I don't know him I've only meet him twice. only my friend thinks he is more or less a horrible person and I should under no circumstances date him.

annoying, to say the least, but at the same time, slightly thrilling because it's been a LONG time since a boy has had this much of an effect on me. but I am done making the first move--I'm done, done, done!! let the chiverly come back in, where a guy asks a girl out or for her number, because I want a prince charming dang it, because in looking at my past history relationship, this is what living like this does.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

I'm moving on

Group: Rascal Flatts
Title: I'm Moving On

I went to the temple today, like I do every sunday, and as I was driving towards it, I realized that it's time for me to move on and let go. Captain jax served his purpose in my life, and I should have let go of him 2 years ago, but my heart and his heart didn't want to. I have a habit of ignoring logic and following feelings. I'm ok with that though.

But for the first time in a while, I felt ok with letting him go for good. I've tried a few times, don't get me wrong, I've pulled my faith out and tested it, but got freaked out and jumped right back into my comfort of holding onto my string of hope, and saying "No, there's not a blanket out there for me, this string will keep me warm" but I realized there's a HUGE fleece blanket out there for me, and dangit, I want it now. so I'm throwing about that tiny string that i thought was keeping me going, and reaching for that blanket. (sorry for the corny metaphor, it's late)

I walked around the temple, and stared up the the spire pointing to my stars and thought "This time it's going to work isn't it. This time when I let go, I'm really letting go. This time when I step forward and try a relationship with a guy I'm not going to have something holding me back. This time it's for real." and I felt it was. What an amazing feeling, almost like the repentance feeling, of letting go of the burden of sin, but instead, I'm letting going of him finally, and dropping the burden I've been carrying of heart-ache and hurt.

I do know that it's going to be hard, it's going to be something that causes me to hurt, I'm going to be scared, prayers will be hewn at the heavens in desperation, tears will push themselves forward, but I'm not turning back around this time. I'm going to push through it fully and I will be blessed in this endevour. I know Heavenly Father has been waiting for when I'm ready (or somewhat ready) and willing before He's going to let me know what it is I'm supposed to do, and why it is I'm not the one Captain Jax was supposed to marry, and where it is I'm supposed to go in life. But I'm submitting my will back to Him, and turning everything back to Him. He can lead me better than I can lead myself. And as Helaman's son Nephi found out, when you turn your will over to Him, seeking to find out His will and do it, then you'll be blessed forever. The things you ask for you'll get, because what you want is what the Lord wants as well (hel. 10:4-5).

I'm on my way, I'm going to be the best person I can be, I'm going to find the Lord's will for me, I'm going to love with everything in me, I'm going to be friends with all I meet, and I'm going to be the happiest person because this is what living like this does (and boy does it feel good)

Ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out. .wish I knew

Group: Brand New
Title: Ok, I believe you but my Tommy gun don't

To take a bit from the psych class I hated (well, I liked it, but hated the teacher and the dumb way he taught) I'm an INFP (Introvertion, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving) according to the Myers-briggs test. to quote from my 10 page packet of random stuff I got with my results, I have "a great deal of warmth but may not show it until they know a person well".

Well, this explains why I just shut my mouth when I'm in a group of 4 or more people and I either don't know any of them, or hardly any of them.

I was driving home tonight, after spending an evening with Asmond, and some people I don't know at all (I've met one or two before) and it was good listening to what was going on there, but at the same time I know I'm keeping my mouth shut when it's kind of the whole group. But get me one-on-one, or in a group of three, and I talk, and I'll tell stories, and all that jazz. but as soon as it gets bigger than that, I clam up for whatever reason.

I've really got to work on that, I hate feeling like the person that you could meet 3 times and never remember because I just blend. not a big fan of that, but this is what living like this does

Friday, September 23, 2005

Maybe I've been the problem, maybe I'm the one to blame

("Stars" by Switchfoot)

First off--go read my lil'bro's blog slacker it's brand new, and he doesn't have anyone else reading it so far. now onto me--

I skipped my spanish class today--don't tell! I decided instead to take a drive up the canyon. Wow, was it beautiful. The leaves have changed, so it's splotchy red/orange/green/brown all over the hills and mountains. if I wasn't driving I'd stick my head out the window like a happy pup and gaze in awe.

I ended up at Sundance, a place I haven't been a really long time, and need to visit more often. maybe when I have more time (ha!) but driving there next to the river on the slow road, right up close to the mountains reminded me of my may in Cedar. May was a rough time for me, it was a few weeks after captain jax broke things off and I was still really struggling to keep moving a lot of the time. I used to drive up Cedar Canyon almost every day after class. It was my moment to break down and cry my eyes out and let go of some of the pain, a bit of the emotions packed up inside me that were eating me up. but it was a wonderful time, because it gave me time to myself, and my music, the warm air, and the beautiful mountains.

that's what I thought about as Iwas driving today, but it didn't hurt as much as it used to, and here's the conclusion I've come to. It's me that I've got to work with, and I know it. I'm still holding onto something that's hurting me and that's my problem, and it'll eat up up eventually unless I find a way to get rid of it. I'm working on it.

Asmond called me when I was on my way up to Sundance, mad because I was supposed to go play with him he said, and I laughed and felt like I was in elementry school when one of my friends would call and ask me to go play with them. That phrase isn't used often enough, it's usually "Let's hang out" and that's just dumb. so I drive out of the canyon and call him up, and he get a little defensive because apparently my phone decided it doesn't want to let anyone konw who I am with I called, so it says unknown on the ID. I dunno, but then he has to go do work stuff, and I'm no longer up enjoying the mountains. And now I have to go to work *sighs* this is what living like this does.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I'm sorry, I had a bad day again

(Title courtesy of Fuel)

I've decided, since I had another monday in the middle of my week, that I'm going to just list all the titles to my blogs, and where I got the inspirition for them, cause well, my laundry's not done, and I need something to fill my time with. Now you can all go listen to the songs-if you can find them :D

(listed first post to current, with the part I used, the group, then title)

"What brought you here in the first place?" -Mae -All Deliberate Sound
"Summer time. . .no looking back, you know the past will stay" -Mae -Summertime
"In your eyes I see a darkness that torments you" -The Juliana Theory -Into the dark
"Why worry? I wonder all the time. . ." -The All American Rejects -Why worry
"You can tell me how you just don't fit in" -Something Corporate -Punk Rock Princess
"Her world has changed, she asks God why" -Good Charlotte -We Believe
"It's so complicated. . .I'm so frustrated" -Caroline Dawn Johnson -Complicated
"I slip another smile in your pocket" -YellowCard -The Underdog
"Slightly bruised and broken" -New Found Glory-Head on collision
"What is it you need" -Dashboard -Ender will save us all
"My mom was sick" -The Format -Front porch
"It hurts when you disaproved all along" -Simple Plan -Perfect
"It's the blind, leading the blind" -U2-If God will send His angels
"Again i go unnoticed" -Dashboard -Again I go unnoticed
"Wake me up, when september ends" -Greenday -Wake me up when september ends
"I'd pick my friends over you" -New Found Glory -My friends over you
"Sometimes it feels like I don't really know" -Lostprophets -Last train home

and there you go kids, enjoy the tunes, and the emo-ness of it all. I know I do, after all, this is what living like this does!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Sometimes it feels like I don't really know

(Title courtesy of Lost Prophets "Last Train Home" which I heard on the way home from school today--and I'll now start naming the songs I use in my titles so ya'll go listen to my favs)

My puppy rocks. When she's not putting holes in my clothes with those needle-esque teeth of hers. today I came home in between classes (I have a yoga at 8am, which is so early, it's going to be worse when it's dark still--and then institute right after, then a break until noon) and took a wonderful nap, and Indy, the crazy little pup, would come snuggle under my arm as I'm laying on the floor (which has improved from her tackling my face) stretch out long against me and then wiggle herself up and try to lick my nose. trust me, it makes for a difficult time sleeping! eventually she found her way out into the backyard and i was able to nap in peace.

so I've been thinking a little bit about asmond's most recent post about unwanted blessings, and dang it, I've been doing the same thing but I hadn't even realized. there have been some things lacking in my life, and that I've been wanting yet I haven't noticed that I'm getting them. I've been wanting to understand more about why someone can get a certain answer and I feel nothing, and we've been talking about revelation in all 3 of my institute classes these past few weeks, and I've been learning the things I need to learn to help me understand how it all works out. I've been wondering about the Lord's timing and why I'm not getting what I think I need, and I get that answered this morning in institute. I've been wanting to join a new circle of friends (it's a little hard when the majority of my friends are also friends with captain jax, and I don't want to have to make them choose who to hang out with since we can't hang out together) and asmond is getting me out to meet new people, with the poetasters, and now blue-beta (if he can find someone willing to sponser me) that could certainly create new friends for me, which is much needed. I feel like my eyes have been opened a bit more, so now I can start seeing what else there is that I've needed and been given, especially those things that I haven't realized I've needed. maybe this is what living like this does

Sunday, September 18, 2005

I'd pick my friends over you

I've never been to the sundance film festival, not for lack of desire, but themovies aren't rated, and I'm a little worried about what my tender spirit would be exposed to. On Saturday night, I went up to West Valley to visit my sister--ok, I went up to be a babysitter while her and her husband spoke in church that sunday. But on saturday night, I got to see my old room-mate Heatha! (really heather, but I know too many heather's) I haven't seen this girl for almost a year! ever since our room-mate Cyann got hitched and we traveled to the luncheon together--that was back in march or february. so it's been a while.

we went to a mini film-festival, Epic Summer Film Festival. It was inspiring. basicly, it's people adventures from the summer, and they're usually outdoor adventures, their travels. Some people did mystery canyon in Zion (which I want to do), another hiked longs peak in Colorado (a 14-er) some other people had snowboard/skiing films. there were some awesome films, little short ones, around 10 minutes, but it gave me the desire to go outdoors more.

As I was driving home from WV this evening, I contemplated my current friends and came to the conclusion that most of them aren't the outdoorsy type that I am. I am someone who loves the outdoors, I love hiking, camping, backpacking, the STARS!! my rocks, and I'm trying to get into mountain biking, but I don't want to die, so I'm a little feared of that. I'm also in the artsy group, I love poetry, and writing. I love going to little cafes, and sitting there with my notebook or a book reading and just enjoying that atmosphere. Here's my problem though, I have about 2 friends, in the total of all my friends/associates/people I've done things with once in my entire life here in Utah, that have those interests. No one has both of them (or at least if they do they're keeping secrets from me!!) and I decided I need to find more people that have similar interests at me, so I can do the things I love. I'm working on the writing group, since I go to my readings every friday (although I don't recognize people) and since I'm going to be going to poetasters on tuesdays I could find some writing friends there, since it's a small group. yeah, we'll see what happens. I do need to get outdoors more though.

on another note, I'm now considered one of the less active members of my ward. Dang it. I supposed that's to be expected, the last time I was there was fast sunday, and I left after sacrament meeting because I was so sick. the week after I went to another friend's ward to hear her speak, and then this past week I went to West Valley. The bishopbric did pull me aside though to give me a calling, only in conflicts with work, and so they're trying to get me another calling. and they found out I play the piano--snap, I'm going to be the new choir pianist, the other one just got married. . .this could be interesting to say the least.
and my sister who kinda reads my blogs (but never leaves comments!!!) says I have a lot of emotions, or more emotions than apparently she thought. I feel slightly like a drama queen, but this is what living like this does

Friday, September 16, 2005

Wake me up when september ends

Seriously, I need that much sleep, that you could just let me sleep until then, and I'll be able to function.

I'm the type of person that needs at least 8 hours of sleep a night. Since school started, I've been getting a lot less then my 8 hours. But it's random throughout, it's not a consistent sleep pattern. one night I"ll get 5 hours, the next night I'll get 9. it keeps getting broken up randomly, and then I take afternoon naps and it gets even more screwed up.

yeah, just wake me up in 3 weeks, I should be recovered by then, because this is what living like this does.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

I can't think of any song lyrics to go with this post. Dang

I got a raise! I got a raise! (if you could see me, I'm clapping my hands) and I'm getting more hours, it's fantastic. I'm now at $7.25, which is the most I've ever been paid with anything I've ever done in my life. . .at least in hourly pay, salary is always a bit different.

when I was working in New Mexico, I was on a salary of $900-something (70? I forget) for a month, and when we budgeted it as an hourly pay, we were getting like $.70 an hour. ouch. so this is quite nice.

it was wonderful! I walk into work, through my favorite pink door, and Jules pulls me aside. She has quite a serious look in her eyes, and i thought "Aw crap, I'm getting fired" although now thinking about it, there wouldn't be a reason for me to get fired. . .anyway, she says she talked to Scott (boss) and I'm now making $7.25 an hour, because I've done so much the past few weeks, and I've done so good with everything. they appreiciate me, thank goodness. I will also being working more nights, mostly just doing the tagging and hanging that when it gets busy we just can't get done. Then we have piles of clothes, and the store looks horrible. so I'll be getting almost 40 hours a week, which would put me at around $1,000 a month. . .that's absolutely great. now I don't have to get a second job! this makes me think more seriously about buying a condo and renting rooms out. on the bright side of blowing a chunk of money on a condo, someday I'll get married *crosses fingers, knocks on wood* and then we'll have a place to live, so that would be nice. me, a hot man, and my puppy. the debt, not so nice, but kinda unavoidable. and that's a jolly day for me!

I've decided to work on my sleeping scheduale. I go to be around midnight, and get up around 7ish. that's really not working too well for me. I'm thinking I need to be in bed around 11, if I'm getting up around 7, because I hate this sleepy feeling I get during the day, and during class. it's not much fun.

Inspiriation hit me last night around 12:30, just a line I wanted (or needed) to write down, because I thought it might do somewhere. due to the fact that i was much to lazy to get out of bed and turn the light on, I grabbed my cell and used that as a light. What kind of techno girl am I when that's my light. I would curl up and die though if I did that when I was outdoors hiking or something. ug! those are two worlds that just don't mix! so I wrote a few lines about an interesting fellow I met sunday as I was ward hopping. I'm not usually not prone to writing down things that come to me when I'm almost asleep, but I couldn't get it out of my head until I did. But I won't write that here. . .this is for ranting and talking to myself.

after all, this is what living like this does

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Again I go unnoticed

So this is Asmond's fault, and I'll blame him FULLY for getting me addicted to this thing we call blogging. *sighs* and now I'm even being introduced as 'Rockflower' and not my 'real' name. But it hasn't been bad, I've met Bawb, Toasteroven, thirdmango, and various others. (toasteroven went through the whole group pointing out who had blogs). it's a little wierd, but interesting to go and read these people's blogs and get to know them before they really even know me. Hehe.
I went to poetasters (??not sure if that's right) tonight, Asmond told me about it, because I'm currently attending the byu readings fridays at noon, and he thought I might be interested. what it is, is a group of people that get together and read poetry (duh, I know). yay for Asmond and his correctness inmy interest!! i was a little sketched out at first, because I'm not a byu student, and don't really care to try to be one (maybe grad school, if I decide to do that and can afford it) and I wasn't sure how they would take a random girl just showing up to hear some poetry. I suck and didn't even think to bring my own, I was honestly expecting a bigger group, there were able 10-ish people. But I think I said maybe 5 words the whole freakin' time. Why am I so shy sometimes? I hate it, I was sitting there thinking "Rockflower! you suck! just open your mouth and talk! you go off about how you want to meet some people and make new friends, and then you keep quiet and no one gets to know you, and they'll just forget about you." so next time I'm going to talk more, because I'm intrigued by some of these people and want to get to know them, and I'm always looking to improve my poetry and writing skills in general, gotta talk for that one. but don't take the things I say here as my 'writing' this is my rant page, and it's really more stream of conscienceness (I probably spelled that word wrong. . .)
but yay for poetry and the way words work together. I've been ready Mary Oliver for my poetry class and she is so simple in her writings, it's quite nice and refreshing that it's not huge words, but just as powerful.
I'm facing a dilema right now, and it's getting rather frustrating, because I know what I have to do about it. I'm thinking about moving out. I currently live at home (I know, curse me for doing something like that) but I have a valid reason. I'm cheap, I'll admit it, and I have a puppy that I need to take care of (read the earlier blog titled something like "It hurts when you disapproved all along") at least until she gets trained better and my parents and lil' sister will be willing to take care of her. anyway, I lack a social life and I hate it. My ward I'm attending is the stake's single ward, so it's all people from the neighborhood, I've grown up with them, and they're still living at home. and that's the problem, I'm not meeting anyone new, I'm not doing anything on the weekends, but sitting at home feeling selfish and woe is me for I have no friends. I graduate this december!! and then I'm no longer in the 'education' atmosphere' so I'm trying to figure out where to take my life.
Point being, I think I need to move out, and the lessons I've been having in all my institute classes are telling me what to do. We've been talking about revelation a lot, and the process of recieving revelation, how I need to do the research for it all, pay the price, put some work into my choices before I come to the Lord with it. I even have to make the choice, and not ask Him to tell me what one is right (that's where I get messed up. . .memories of last summer. . .)
actually, that deserves a paragraph. Last summer--2004, I was living in Cedar City, going to SUU and working 2 jobs (you can read a story about it on my writings blog.) and I lived with room-mates from hell. Ok, maybe not that bad, but the fact that they were have sex upstairs (I lived in the basement) and all sorts of dirty things were going on I couldn't live there. The Spirit literally left as I walked down the street towards home! before I even GOT there! it was horrible, horrible, horrible. so my, heatha, and cy make the decision to move and we find an awesome little house still close to campus that has lofts in all of the bedrooms! how freakin' cool is that!? it was so neat. bla-bla-bla, I don't feel it's right for me to move there, I don't know why, (I do now) but I'm really torn about signing a contract there. I talked with my bishop, cried about it (stupid emotions) talked with captain jax, and prayed a lot. I knew I wasn't supposed to live there. but what do I do? I sign a contract, because I don't want to live with people I don't know, because I was scared of getting horrible room-mates again, and not living with my cool friends. that was a HUGE mistake. I totally went against what the spirit was telling me, and I ended up having to move in december because of schooling and losing over $500 to my landlord, almost being sued, and going through trauma.
so yeah, I'm trying to do it in the right order, because it's important to me, so I'm doing the research right now, I'm talking to people, looking online, trying to find the best place for me, and when it'll be good for me to move, getting my dog trained so my dad won't kick her out of the house, and then I can make a decision and ask the Lord if it's ok if I move forward with it. I also learned that it's important to ask His will in the matter, and then be willing to actually do His will. that's also where I mess up, because dang it, when I want it, I want it.
so I'm checking provo, because it's cheaper, there's more people (by more people, I mean more good people, I don't want sluts for room-mates again) and I'm hoping I can get things squared away with this. frustrating
and my sleep scheduale is so messed up. I told myself I'd be in bed at 10:30 tonight, so I could get up at 7 and get things done (or go into work early-yuck) and what time is it? that's right, almost 11:30. I suck, and will be therefore sleepy tomorrow again. curses, this is what living like this does

Monday, September 12, 2005

What an amazing day, I could have sat outside for hours. But instead, I sat inside at my computer, trying to write a spanish paper. Why, when I'm an english major, would I have to take spanish for 2 long years? I still haven't figured out, especially since I listened to Shakira one semester, for the majority of it.
But I haven't seen a day like this one in a while, and it was amazing. the cloudy cool weather means summer is on it's way out the door. Saturday night, I piled all my blankets on my bed, (and by all, I mean there was at least 10) and opened my window so I could have my face cold, and the rest of me warm. It was wonderful, and I almost felt like I was outside camping with a super nice bed instead of hard rocks and holes under me.
I wore a sweater all day, and it was fantastic because I didn't fry when I got out of work or class, because the weather was that beautiful autumn that I love so much. rumor has it that stewert falls is looking might fine right now, the leaves are just starting to change. I really need to get out there soon.
and then it rained. and where was I? sitting at work, trying to hear a customer over yelling kids. what I really wanted to be doing was sitting outside letting the rain hit me. It rained on friday, and that was quite nice, only I was lost on byu campus. Go figure. When I went to park, I pulled into the 1st visitor lot, because I think it's the closest to the library, at least where I thought the library was. anyway, there's a sign right by the booth that says "BYU students and UVSC students can't park here" and I thought to myself, "I'm not either" although I am enrolled at uvsc. . .which is a story for another entry. so I pull my car right up to the window, and well, since I look like a student, I get asked if I'm a uvsc student, I say "yes, I'm here for the poetry reading at the library, but I don't know where to go" and I think I may have batted my eyes a little bit, because I really didn't want to have to go through the hassle of finding another lot because byu campus just confuses me. *sighs* what is the world coming to when I bat my eyes at guys? anyway, he hassled me a bit about not being able to park there, and then told me it's ok because the other lot was full anyway. who does that? Honestly. . .so I was able to find the library (a big glass building. . .at least the part I saw) and meet McKay for lunch, which was quite nice, since I don't spend nearly enough time with the kid ever since he broke up with my old room-mate. things just got awkward. but we sat outside and talked and drank jambas (which I still tend to call zukas). it was great.
anyway, the point of this being, it was raining, so there were people running around campus covering their heads, and I felt so fantastic, it was great. And then after my poetry reading (which was really more of a short-story reading. . .maybe 2 poems) it was sunny and hot, which I really don't like.
But today's weather, now that was wonderful, I felt invigerated, even after getting 4 hours of sleep and trying to write a spanish paper. My teacher told me today that I speak very good spanish. . .but I haven't said anything in class. oh well, it made me feel good, and this is what living like this does

Sunday, September 11, 2005

it's the blind, leading the blind

Whenever I go on a blind date, my dad says "That's so nice of you to take the blind out". funny. I went on the date from hell last night. Ok, that's not true. It wasn't really a date (thank heavens, because then it really would've been the date from hell). I was orginally tried to get another boy to go with me, but he had already made plans with someone else to do something, if his homework allowed. My great friend Jru had already asked someone for our double date, we were going to go to the Jon Schmidt concert, because I think he's a great performer, and I enjoy his music. Well, so now she has a random date (a guy she owed dinner to) and I don't have anyone. I don't know that many people, and I'm still trying to figure out how to get back into the dating game. so it's wednesday or thursday, I forget, and the date is supposed to be on saturday. Jru, being the cool girl she is, went to her date and said "You need to find a guy for Rockflower, because the guy she wanted to take can't come" and so he tried to find me someone, he did, but then the guy got super busy and couldn't come.
And so Jru calls a guy she knows and asks him to take me, and he says "uhh, what's ashbash doing?" and I lose yet another date. . .am I up to three guys now? anyway, ashbash gets sucked into the dating vortex. . .luckily she can work these tricky vortexes (vorti? I don't know the plural. . .). Her date brings a friend, that's supposed to be my date, whereas, Jru, and Heathyr, who had each found another date, get cancelled on (this is twice for both of them now) and I'm supposed to go with a kid, who's first question about me to his friend was "How tall is she?" that was the same question for my last blind date too, go figure.
I didn't want to go, not one bit at all, I was fighting it with all I had (without being rude of course) because the original plan was to go to this piano concert with a boy I wanted to get to know, and enjoy myself, and for jru to get this boy she owed dinner to off her back. Somehow that all disapeared, when he cancelled on her, and I got turned down. all of a sudden it just wasn't something I wanted to involve myself in.
and then it's saturday night, 6:30ish, and I'm getting ready to head over to Jru's and she calls me and says "I don't have a date anymore, and I can't find someone, and Heathyr doesn't have a date either--she's going to stay with her mom, because her dad stood her mom up". so we have a date in 1/2 hour, ashbash decided she doesn't want to spend any money, so there goes dinner and the play. when I got there, and we were trying to figure it all out, I almost walked out, because who wants to be involved in something so ridiculous?? not me, and I still didn't want to be set up with this guy, not one bit.
somehow our double date with jru gets turned into a group activity. We order pizza, which no one wants to help pay for. (it was good too, i'm going to have to steal some from jru) and me and jru end up footing most of the bill.
and this is all just the precursor to the 'activity' itself. I hate drama. . . .
the boys come over, and the guy who would've been my date, had we been going on a date is tall, but not like he has to duck to go under doors tall. one of the first things he says, as ashbash offers the scouting magazine to everyone is "Y'know if the church stopped doing scouting, the whole program would fall apart, the church is the biggest supporter of it, and they do whatever the church wants".
One way to piss me off real quick, act like you know something about something you don't, especially when it's something I'm personally involved it and take and opposing point of view on this subject you know nothing about. The scouting program is HUGE--world wide!! the lds church isn't that big of a part of scouting. they're apart of it, but the scouting program would be just fine if no lds member participated in scouting. Why? because they have more members of other faiths involved in scouting than the lds. and then throughout the rest of the night, he continued to make stupid comments about everything I enjoy. Yoga? "I think people who do yoga should find more productive things to use their time". Jon Schmidt? "he's not a pianist, he can hardly play his own songs and he messes up" Dogs? "I don't like them, at all".
and thus went the whole night. I just kept my mouth shut, because I wanted to give him an earfull. I don't think he'll be someone I'll spend much of my time with ever again. I'm crossing my fingers at least.
I'm also going to be more picky about blind dates. if I'm being set up, I want the person setting me up to actually think "Will this person be somewhat compatible with rockflower? if not, why would I set her up with him?" or maybe I'll jus swear off blind-dating. . .only I can't find my own dates. and this is what living like this does

Friday, September 09, 2005

it hurts when you disapproved all along

I love my Dad, I really do, he's an amazing man, and has done so much for me. I'm not so happy with him right now. I have a puppy, the sweetest little punk of a puppy ever. this puppy is what helped me make it through this summer, when I was lonely, when I needed someone/thing to talk to, when I just wanted to know that someone loved me, I had my puppy. She didn't say "Guess what happened to me?" when I walked in the door, after a crappy day, nor ignore me when tried to tell what happened to me. (gee, I sound a little selfish right now. . .)
point being, I love my puppy, and although at times, because of my situation being a college student, and not sure of where I could be living in 6 months, and working all the time, or going to school, I sometimes think it was too early to get this dog. But I don't regret it at all.
here's why I'm mad at my dad. and I'll try to keep this at the most objective point of view I can manage. I don't think my dad has EVER used my dog's real name, which is Indy, it's always been "dog", "dumb-dog", "rat", "rat-dog", "neurotic-dog", and probably more that I can't think of right now. and I honestly feel like he does it on purpose too! Our dog, really his dog, died last summer. We had her for about 15 years. At least. she was an old dog, and it was her time for sure. well, he wants a dog, he really does, but with being gone all summer, he knew there was no way that he could get one. So I get one, because I haven't really ever known life without a dog. Well, Indy's a puppy, she hasn't learned everything yet, she still pees in the house (although very rarely now) she chews things she shouldn't, she nibbles your fingers (she is teething still), doesn't listen always when you tell her to come, or sit, or no.
But she's a puppy!!! she's not even 5 months old yet!! I don't know how he can expect her to know everything and act perfectly like our last dog did. that one was of his big complaints today--Indy's bigger than Chisia (our last dog) was. WELL DUH!!!! they're not even close to being the same breed! it's getting really frustrating, and he's making threats to make her an outside dog permenantly, because the one time he let her out of her crate, and he didn't take her outside to pee, so of course--right on the carpet. which I can understand, because she has to relieve herself somewhere since she wasn't let outside. so who's fault is it? the 'dumb dog' of course.
Indy is getting trained, she can now sit, lay down, and she's learning not to bite, or jump on people. She's getting there. I'd say for a dog of about 5 months, she's doing quite well. But I think it all boils down to the idea that she's not my dad's dog. She's my dog, and she'd rather come see me than him. I think it makes him think I'm trying to replace Chisia, which I could never do, she was amazing dog. but Indy is my dog, and when he belittles her, I feel like he's taking it directly to me. he insults her, and it's underlaid to me. I almost feel like he's waiting for me to do something, and talk back to him, so he can get mad at me for what ever. Now that I'm not dating captainjax, he has to have something to be annoyed with.
anyway, that was my passive-aggressive side exploding after having it all pent up for a few weeks. arg, this is was living like this does!

Saturday, September 03, 2005

My mom was sick. . .

And my dad he cared for her, his love, it nursed her back to life, and me I ran, I couldn't even look at her, for fear I'd have to say goodbye. and as I start to leave she grabs me by the shoulder and she tells me "What's left to lose, you've done enough, and if you fail, well then you fail but not to us, cause these last three years, I know they've been hard, but now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun, even if it's alone" -The format
about a year and 1/2 ago, well, actually almost 2years ago, my mom was sick, she had breast cancer and it scared me a lot. I remember getting a phone call at 6 in the morning from my older sister, who was living in the same town as me (we were both going to school) and telling me to pray for mom today because she was going in to get a biopsy. I didn't even konw what a biospy was, I had to ask her "To find out if she has cancer or not" I couldn't focus after that. . .I called captain jax, and left a barely cohesive message, as I broke down in tears. My mother could have cancer, and I was miles away. I felt so out of the loop. I found out later that my dad had called everyone but me, he just told my sister to tell me. There are six kids in my family, and I was the one that was left out of the loop and it hurt so much, especially since it involved something so serious.
It turned out she did have breast cancer, but it was still early enough they could do radiation and take care of it. I knew she had it, when I first heard there was a 95% chance that it was nothing, I knew she'd be in the 5% that it was something and she was. My mother had cancer. I got the phone call after school one day, she was crying, and i didn't know what to say or to do, since I knew the test results were going to be positive. my room-mates (amazing girls, love them all) were in the room when I got off the phone, and all I said was "My mom has cancer. I need to call captain jax" and walked out of the room. they expressed their sympathies, especially the crazy one who was going through chemo for her own cancer and understood a little about where I stood.
everyone knows that hardly anyone dies of breast cancer anymore, a few do, but not many. Well, my grandmother died of breast cancer about 25 years ago or so, my dad's mother. I have breast cancer coming at me from all sides now, and I'm in the highest range of those likely to get it, and I have those same feelings, like I had when I knew my mother had cancer, that I'm going to get cancer as well.
I have 4 sisters and 1 brother (and no, he's quite well-rounded for having 5 sisters) and all of them I think (except the 10 year old) researched about cancer as much as they could and found out as much information as they could. And what did I do? nothing. I pretty much avoided it at all costs. I was barely even home for the holiday's when she was going through her major radiation treatments. I didn't want to get close to it, like it was the plague "And me I ran, I couldn't stand to look at her, for fear I'd have to say goodbye"
and this is what living like this does.