Tuesday, August 16, 2005

In your eyes I see a darkness that torments you

"and in your heart where it dwells" is how the rest of that line goes. I wonder if people see a darkness when they look in my eyes; if they think in the back of their heads "What happened in her life?" some days I know that people can see past my facade and straight into me, they can see that there is hurt and broken trust in me. I hate to point blame, but man, the boys in my life have caused some serious damage in me. my very first relationship failed, and I mean failed big time. I was cheated on, and instead of being angry, I was hurt, but yet still wanted to be with him (well, the anger came later). I can handle rejection, I've done it before, and if it was just rejection, I would be alright. But I swore to never tell someone I loved them unless I knew, absolutely KNEW without a doubt that it was real love, and that this person felt the same for me, and had the same goals for our relationship (ie:forever) and I thought I found that person. so I gently give into my feelings and put my trust in our relationship and in him.
that was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, to trust him when he promised not to ever hurt me like Flying Jeans did, and that he did want me forever, he didn't want to get involved unless it was forever. So I put my trust in him, and give him my heart for a good three and 1/2 years, and then he tells me he found someone else. While he was dating me. "we started talking about it before me and you broke up...but that's only because I never got the chance to break up with you before then" in my mind I consider that cheating on me. actions aren't everything, it's what's in your heart. And while he was still considered to be my love, he was starting another relationship in his heart.
And people wonder why I have such disdain for relationships? I don't give love or trust easily, and from how I see it, why should I? why should I give everything when 100% of my relationships (all 2 of them) have ended with him finding someone else while he's dating me. I joke that I could use it as an advertisement "Find the girl of your dreams while dating me!"
but yet I trudge forward and work to hide the darkness that I know is in me, and i work to push it out so when I do have those days, people don't have to look into my eyes and see what torments me.
and I just want to say to them: if you knew it all, you could see that this is what living like this does

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