Wednesday, August 31, 2005

What is it you need?

sometimes everything in life just clicks together, and you just want to jump for joy and say "yes that's right! it makes sense!" well, it still doesn't make sense, but I had one of those institute lessons that just burns into you, as if the teacher got up that morning and said "this lesson's for her today" he was even staring at me the whole time, and it was amazing.
I'm not even sure how we got onto the subject, it's a Doctrine and Covenants class, but we were talking about the importance of families, and how it's everything Satan fights against. The analagy my teacher gave was baseball as the dating game (this is where he was looking at me the whole time) where you're sitting at the plate and you just have to keep swinging, and yeah it sucks as you keep missing, and yeah, you want to give up, but eventually you will get a hit. As long as you're doing everything in your power, you're staying clean and rightous and you keep swinging the Lord promises that you'll get on base, and eventually home.
wow, that hit me so hard today! Because I've felt like that for a bit, like "what's the point? I don't want to have to be the one the seek someone out, I want someone to seek me out" but that's not me doing everything in my power. And my teacher is standing there, staring in my eyes, with a pleading look, telling me not to give up, to keep swinging, as hard as it is. He also said "And somehow you know when you've got a hit, before the ball even comes to you, as soon as the pitcher lets go you know that this is the one for you, and you're going to get a hit and make it on base, which will eventually lead you to home. so move forward with faith!
and it's interesting, because I keep getting that feeling, that I'm going to get my hit soon. So what I doing? I'm doing everything in my power and keep on keeping on because the Lord's going to give me hit. It's guarenteed! :)
anyway, it made my day and it was absolutely amazing to hear that, it was exactly what I needed to hear. And the thing I love about that is something another institute teacher said. The spirit of the Lord goes through the students, up through the Lord and the Spirit, and to the teacher, so he knows what to say, back out to bless the students. I like that because when lessons hit me like that, I know I'm in tune and it's fantastic to know that this is what living like this does.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

slightly bruised and broken

Because I have no life and no friends (or at least not who return my calls) my little brother was cool enough to invite me to go slack lining with him. I love slack lining, it's one of the coolest things in the world! if you've never gone, you need to call me and let me take you.
basicly, it's like tight rope walking but with webbing instead--check out this website for some cool pics
it's quite a fun activity and not only does it help me train for climbing, it's just something fun to do, and it's portable, and how cool with it be when I'm doing it across some canyon or something like that! I can't wait.
but it's been a while since I've done it, probably about 2 years, since I was last working in new mexico, so I don't have the skills I used to have, which is quite sad I think. . .so it took me a good portion of the evening just to get standing, let alone take a few steps. We didn't have the line close enough to the tree (after our anchors and what not) so I couldn't start out holding the tree for balance. I just put one foot on the line (about 2 feet-ish) off the ground, and stand up on it hoping you're not going to fall, but most likely you will. And I fell quite a few times, ate grass a lot, and got whipped by the line. Thus bruised and broken (which I take from Good charolette I think. . .something on my Drive-Thru Records mix).
all-in-all, it was fantastic, I love spending time with my little brother, because he's so freakin' cool, and we get along so great. It's a shame they all were either just graduated from high school, or still in it. Man, 21 feels really old sometimes. . .like now. but I got to go slack-lining, and it was fantastic, and I'm ready to go all the time now. Ah, now this is what living like this does

Friday, August 26, 2005

I slip another smile in your pocket

I carry a little felt heart around with me in my pocket. no one really understands why I do it, but it's important to me. A few years ago in young women's (it was probably around 5 years ago. . .) my advisor gave us all a cute li'l poem and the heart. The poem has since been lost, but the concept behind it hit me hard and I still remember it. it was something about how when you feel like no one loves you and you are lonely just take this feely heart and remember that someone does love more than you even know (Kinda like that song "you're not alone"). so i started carrying my feely heart in the pocket of my pants everywhere I went, every single day. it has had it's fair share of washings, since I sometimes (ok, more often than not) forget to check my pockets before I wash clothes.
But I still to this day carry it with me, almost like a good luck charm. I remember reaching into my pocket a few months ago, when I needed it the most and not finding it, not knowing where it was, and praying that captain jax didn't have it, since I sometimes gave it to him while I was away at school, or when I was in another state/country, so he could have that same reminder as i got everytime I touched it. and as much as I would give it to him at anytime, this was not the time I wanted him to have, because (feeling selfish) I needed my feely heart and I hated not having it with me. I didn't know how long it had been since I had it, and I missed it.
in July my mom and sister came back home (they live in New Mexico all summer) and the day they left, I came into the house to find a note from my mom and my feely heart sitting on the counter. she didn't say where she found it, but that she loved me and that she hoped work went well. she knows how important my feely heart is to me, and how I panic when i can't find it. It was wonderful seeing it sitting there from my mom.
it's like a smile in my pocket, and when I toy with it when I'm nervous or hurt, or frustrated, I really do feel the love of Christ and my Heavenly Father, and I know they're looking out for me and will take care of me. After 5 years of carrying it around with me, I don't tire of it, and it's still very important to me. It makes me feel better, and this is what living like this does.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

it's so complicated. . .I'm so frustrated

sooo. . .I've been kinda writing a kid for the past few months (by kinda I mean we've exchanged like 3 letters and chatted online for a little bit once or twice) and it's a whole wierd situation behind us writing, because captain jax kinda set us up, and I've met the kid once, but i don't remember it at all. so it's not as if I'm writing some random kid. (but at the same time. . .I kinda am. . .)
but the reason it's so complicated is because he's captain jax's friend, I'm his ex, and it's like this twisted setup thing. . .and this kid, let's call him Ender for now. . .not that he's like The Ender, but anyway. . .Ender has kinda almost seemed to avoid me and I don't blame him, it's an awkward situation, and I'd be really hesitent if I didn't know captain jax the way I do. I'm still slightly hesitent, but I've reached the point where I'm living for myself and Christ, so I'm not as worried as I would normally be because no matter what could happen, as long as I'm still rightous the Lord will take care of me.
so Ender kind of avoids me it seems, I sign into msn and he signs out if he's on, or he signs in and sees I'm on and is off real quick. I could be reading into this, but isn't that just a typical girl for you? *grrr* I hate being like that and i try to avoid it as much as I can, but sometimes it just comes.
after 2 weeks of not recieving an email from him, and having talked to him online a bit in these 2 weeks, so I know he got my email, I emailed him and told him that we need to work on his writing skills, because they're lacking greatly. but I was my friendly self and also told him about my car troubles, how things were going with me and asked him about work and school. Then I did something that i was really unsure of about, but had been toying with the idea in my mind for a bit. I told him (and I quote from my e-mail) "anyway, I just thought I'd drop you a line. I hope you don't think I'm wierd, I'm just friendly. I imagine after talking with captain jax, it's a little wierd talking with me, but please understand that I'm not some desperate girl. I am looking for friends, so you don't have to be freaked out by me, I promise (and I'm not creepy). but at the same time, I don't take things that captain jax says lightly, especially when there's something spiritual about them, so yeah."
so yeah indeed. . .and he did email me back and apologized and gave me his cell phone number (!!!!!!) which I'm not quite sure what to do with yet. . .what is it about boys that just make girls read into things too much and worry about everything involved in the 'relationship' or whatever it is. . .for some reason it's so complicated, yet not at all. I don't even know the kid *sigh*
and the girls at work are under this wierd impression that there are guys coming at me from all sides and I'm beating them off with sticks. Thank heavens that's not true! I've really got to stop mentioning to them about the boys in my life, especially those ones that I could never date in a million years that I spend time with. *growls* this is why I get so frustrated and dang it! this is what living like this does!!!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Her world has changed, she asks God why

I feel like I'm stuck in a moment sometimes, as if my life isn't going anywhere, like I've been in the same place for the past 5 years or so. And I know that isn't very long, but it's starting to get annoying. I went to go get everything taken care of for school today, since it's starts tomorrow, and there were lines everywhere! at my last univeristy, there were hardly any lines, and I knew what each of the lines meant. At this new school there's nothing to tell you what you're standing in line for. "one stop!" is what it says, so I assume that I can get my bus pass, and a new id sticker, which is all I need anyway, but I can't!! so I waste 1/2 an hour in a line claiming to be one stop that wouldn't help me anyway! stupid.
I graduate from college in one semester. and then what am I going to do with myself? I haven't the foggiest. I feel like I haven't moved forward that much in the past 3 years since high school. I almost wonder if I even have changed that much. I don't know. Sure I've had new experiences, and probably became a little tainted by some of them, but in all actually has my world changed that much? and would I be opposed to it? there have been big events, but overall I wouldn't say my world has changed.
I think i would like it if it did. I think I almost want something huge to happen, not something bad, that happened a year and 1/2 ago when my mom had cancer. I don't want something like that. I feel as if I'm standing on the edge of something important, just waiting for something or someone to push me off into it, because I can't do it myself. I want the next part of my life to start but there's really nothing I can do about it and it's frustrating. It's almost a limbo land area. I'm not quite there, but I'm not quite here anymore either and it's getting annoying. I want to be in one place, preferrably there, because I'm bored with here.
This is what living like this does.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

You can tell me how you just don't fit in. . .and how you're gonna be something

My ward had an activity this past week, that I was unable to attend due to work circumstances. And today at church everyone's talking about how much they got to know everyone and how close they all are now and I'm sitting here thinking "Hmm, I really have hardly any friends in this ward, and I missed the big bonding activity that they'll be talking about for months on end. Isn't this peachy, I'm not going to fit in very well now am I"
I wouldn't say I'm a very shy person, but I'm not a very bold person either. I'm usually not one to make the first move (because it usually gets shot down) and I'm scared of rejection so I don't go out of my way. I have a hard enough time fitting in with people because I'm not one to conform. I know what type of person I am, and I'm not going to change that.
I used to be ok with not fitting in, wait, I take that back, I am ok with not fitting in, because I don't want to be like everyone else. I want to be Rock flower. I want to be the girl who will call you out if you're being stupid, and will tell you how it is without sugar coating it for you. Maybe that's not typical girl nature, but dang it, I don't want to be typical. I want to stand out in a crowd. and not just by my looks (which in all actually, I don't stand out that way, I'm just a typical t-shirt and jeans gal).
But alas, I live in Happy Valley, where it's hard to stand out, and even harder to not fit in, because (this is my opinion) people are insecure with themselves, and therefore will judge others harsher. but right now, that's not a concern for me, because I'm ok with not fitting in, and I'm getting used to only have a few friends (good thing I have a puppy and a great family)
Y'know what though? I just do what I love and don't care. I have plans for my life, and I'm going to work to get there. My name will be known, and maybe it won't be a common household name (although that would be cool) but enough people will know it and they'll say "hey, she's good at what she does, and not that many people are like her" and it'll be great.
But for now, I'm going to not fit in, and go on about my merry way, being me, and not a people-pleaser for others. And I imagine I'll make a few people angry, but I won't be worried, because I'm comfortable being who I am, and in 10 years when I'm still cruising along my merry way, being who I am, and who I like to be, I'll just sit back and say "this is what living like this does"

Friday, August 19, 2005

Why worry? I wonder all the time. . . .

Why worry? Although I feel like I have no friends, I decided it's nothing to worry about. there's still enough going for me that I'll be ok. Ok, I do have some friends, but we all have to play this game "we can only invite Captain Jax or Rock Flower, we can't invite both, because it's too wierd and awkward for them" I don't want to have to choose when and where I hang out with my friends, and i don't want them to have to play games "Well, we need to know if you want to do something or not and you have to be commited before we tell you where"
Maybe I just need a new circle of friends. Asmond, if you're reading this, we need to hang out a lot when you come home, because I've got to get a new cirlce of friends. I imagine I'll keep a few of the other ones, but overall, I hate not having a life, I want people to hang out with in the evenings that call me up and say "Hey! you rock and I want to spend time with you". that's what I'm looking for.
so I'm anxious for the school year to start, because then I can make a ton of friends and it'll be awesome. arg, I'm frustrated right now though because I'm sick of being bored out of my mind!! But why do I worry about it? it's something that goes through me all the time, wondering if I'll have anything to do. I feel a little like a high school drop-out that got knocked up (wait, I'll explain why) because I have a puppy I have to take care of, the sweetest punk of a puppy, and it's like having a little kid, because I have to play with her a lot, and make sure someone's around before I take off, or that she's be let outside to pee before I put her back inside. so some of my friends just don't call anymore because they know I'll say "I have to take care of Indy first and then yeah" and well, we're all impatient people.
yet I try to forget about it, and just live moment by moment and enjoy myself, only to hear that everyone was hanging out at Captain Jax's the night before, and I was sitting at home by myself, wanting to do something so bad. I hate being lonely, it's one of the worst feelings in the world. And this is what living like this does.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

In your eyes I see a darkness that torments you

"and in your heart where it dwells" is how the rest of that line goes. I wonder if people see a darkness when they look in my eyes; if they think in the back of their heads "What happened in her life?" some days I know that people can see past my facade and straight into me, they can see that there is hurt and broken trust in me. I hate to point blame, but man, the boys in my life have caused some serious damage in me. my very first relationship failed, and I mean failed big time. I was cheated on, and instead of being angry, I was hurt, but yet still wanted to be with him (well, the anger came later). I can handle rejection, I've done it before, and if it was just rejection, I would be alright. But I swore to never tell someone I loved them unless I knew, absolutely KNEW without a doubt that it was real love, and that this person felt the same for me, and had the same goals for our relationship (ie:forever) and I thought I found that person. so I gently give into my feelings and put my trust in our relationship and in him.
that was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, to trust him when he promised not to ever hurt me like Flying Jeans did, and that he did want me forever, he didn't want to get involved unless it was forever. So I put my trust in him, and give him my heart for a good three and 1/2 years, and then he tells me he found someone else. While he was dating me. "we started talking about it before me and you broke up...but that's only because I never got the chance to break up with you before then" in my mind I consider that cheating on me. actions aren't everything, it's what's in your heart. And while he was still considered to be my love, he was starting another relationship in his heart.
And people wonder why I have such disdain for relationships? I don't give love or trust easily, and from how I see it, why should I? why should I give everything when 100% of my relationships (all 2 of them) have ended with him finding someone else while he's dating me. I joke that I could use it as an advertisement "Find the girl of your dreams while dating me!"
but yet I trudge forward and work to hide the darkness that I know is in me, and i work to push it out so when I do have those days, people don't have to look into my eyes and see what torments me.
and I just want to say to them: if you knew it all, you could see that this is what living like this does

Monday, August 15, 2005

dealing with the drama

I work with a bunch of girls, and I mean that in the worst way possible I believe. They really are just a bunch of petty selfish girls! and I'm sick of the drama that comes with working with them. all they seem to be able to do is pick a fight with each other about dumb things like what the priorities are of the store. I want a work place where I don't have to worry about who's going to be mad at who for something so-and-so said about what they did, or whatever it happens to be. I don't want to have to worry about if the way i act is going to be deemed offensive to someone else, because they're already too high strung about what they fear is going on. I don't want to have to sit and wonder if the two people out on the floor are talking about me, or if I'm going to be confronted about something that I mentioned to someone isn't anyone's business anyway.
so I wonder, why do girls feel this need to have control over others? Why do they feel the desire to judge others? Why do they act one way to your face, and tell you how much they love your example of Christianity, only to turn around and tell another that they think you are a hypocritical christian, because you don't jump and the chance to help a customer with every whim (to be honest, when you have more than one person trying to put together a piece of furniture, it can be frustrating, so I stay put). that's where I draw the line. We all have faults, this I know, we are all imperfect people, but dang it, I'm doing the best I can. I try to stay out of the drama, and I try to be as friendly as I can to all the employees and the customers. I know how to play the game, I have 4 sisters. everyone just needs to sit down and battle it out. say the things that piss you off, get it out of your system NOW and then get back to work. I don't want to have to take my work life home with me, I want to leave work and forget about it until I have to go back, I want to be able to walk out that little pink door and say "that was a good day" not "thank heavens I'm done, I was going to kill someone with their freakin' attitude".
so I'm thinkng of transferring to the other location because there is so much less attitude there, and the girls seem really nice, and it's not that much more of a drive (especially if I'm coming straight from school.) it would be so much better I think, and then all the girls at the other store would hate me for ditching them. . .*sighs* this is what living like this does

Sunday, August 14, 2005

What brought you here in the first place?

This title comes from a song on my punk rock emo mix, I don't know who sings it (mostly because of lack of caring) but it's my theme song for the summer I decided. the piles of events occuring in my life this summer have made me wonder what it is I'm supposed to be doing with myself. Where am I headed? what are these things supposed to be 'teaching' me? who am I supposed to effect? why on earth did I decided to keep the job I have here instead of the other one I was supposed to take?
there are a million questions that I could continue with, but the songs says "Lately I've been contemplating, is this real or is this fated? what brought you here in the first place?" and that's what i tell myself with every single thing that drops into my life.
after all, this is what living like this does