Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I want to give you, whatever you need. WHat is it you need? Is it within me?

let's put Rockflower's real name here. . .and I'll give you a list that's the fad right now with the BBer's and a few other blogs. This is what Google thinks I need. . .

-needs more chili, less cheesification (I strongly disagree with this. . .but it was #1)
help completing two-handed tasks (yeah, I can see that. . .)
to know if JR is for real (ok, not my fav soap, but funny nonetheless)
a last name, and I don't mean McCloud (I concur with this one. . .I couldn't win the alphabet game! ;)
to shut up already (dang)
a life outside of her daughter already. (whoa. . .)
your help to get the "Anticonformity" video to climb the Religious Yahoo music charts (yes, please help!)
a crash helmet (heavens yes)
-needs you (needs I say more?)
total care, including feeding, diapering and supervision *sighs* go figure

that's a little interesting to me, all are directly from the quote "(rockflower's real name) needs".
that was kinda fun actually, made me laugh at least. Turns out I'm not a very smart person according to google, and I need all sorts of help, both metally and phsycially. Oh well, this is what living like this does!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

If I stay lucky then my tongue will stay tied

Seven Mary Three

I have been so incredibly busy, it's driving me crazy! I can't even call my sister back! what kind of person am I. I have been working everyday, and when I'm not working, I'm in class, or doing homework. I'm a little stressed out, I'm not going to lie.

I feel like I've dropped a lot of things that I used to do all the time. I feel like I have no time to write, just write like I used to do. Like I need to do. I had a goal to blog Something once a day, and then it's once a week, and now it's more like once a month! I hate that. This is where I'm able to get everything out, where I'm able to just let go and it makes me feel better.

I haven't been able to go to poetasters for a while either. I miss that a lot a lot. it was something that MADE me write, I wanted to have something new every week, and alas, I have written one new poem in the past month. What the heck?? that's not good. (yeah, the poem wasn't that good either. . .) *sighs* there's so many things I want to, and I know I don't have the time for it.

There are a few things that I absolutely love, and want to continue for the rest of my life. Writing, outdoor thing, and now, yoga. But I'm finding the only way I'm able to do those things is to force myself to do them. Why is that? I don't write unless I have something I need to do for my class. it's WAY too cold outside, but for my rock climbing class, I only use my pass on the day I have lab/class. which is tuesday. Although I could very well find the time to do it during the week. I don't. Yoga. . .ah, I love it, it makes me feel better. and I've been offered an awesome deal at the "it's yoga" store in the riverwoods ($23 a month, if I sign up for a year, for most people (aka-not students) it's $90/month). but I don't know if I should take it or not. . .I don't know if I'll be here for a year to use it, at most 1/2 a year probably. . .*sighs* this is what living like this does. . .

Sunday, November 06, 2005

This time. . .all I want is you

"Take me away"

It's been almost a month, and I realize I'm a slacker in my blogging, and I apologize. . .but this blog is for me more than anyone else. I don't care that everyone thinks I'm being dumb. Well, that's not true, i do care, because I know that they care about me.

I talked to my sister the other day, she called to see if I was still moving to florida, and she expressed her concern for me. that was the one person who I thought "wow, she has genuine concern, but she'll still treat me the same way she always has, she'll still tell me the exciting things in her life," whereas my father just ignores me and tells me I'm stupid (direct quote there) that's love for ya. I'm sure he's concerned, but he has a horrible way of expressing it, which makes it seem like he just thinks I'm stupid. Florida sister expressed concerns, and that I'm smart enough to make my own decisions in life now.

And I have made my decision, I am dating Captain Jax and I am happy with my decision. Happier than I've been with any other decision I've made lately. I don't understand everything that happened between us, I don't understand why I had to be hurting for so long, and he was so happy with Nickel. I don't understand what it was I was supposed to learn in any of that time, and I don't understand what made him decide i was worth more than another girl he could ever be with, why I would be the girl he would wait around forever for, and die single if I decided I couldn't be with him.

I fought it, I'm not going to lie about that. I didn't just jump back into his arms at his first request, or second, or third. I told him no, that I didn't want a relationship with someone who had lost my trust more than once. And it's true, I don't want a relationship with someone that I'm worried will leave me at any whim, or even that most powerful feeling that he has to leave. But life doesn't happen the way you want it to, and the Lord gives us things when He knows we need them, whether or not we know we need them, or if we even want them.

I'm so happy when I'm with him, but I'm scared to bring him up around my family, I'm scared of my dad's reaction to anything I might mention. I'm scared to even let him come over to the house because of how horrible he will be treated.

*sighs* why can't they be happy that I'm happy, and forgive him for what he did. . .I did afterall, and I was the one who was hurt the most. Christ forgave others, even those who hated him with all passions. This is what living like this does.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

It was a graveyard smash!

Since it is, afterall, almost Halloween, I thought that i would post some humor on here, to take off from my 'normal' venting state of being.

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
-Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
What's a monster's favorite bean?
-A human bean
What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
-A sand-witch
What does a ghost go on Saturday night?
-Anywhere where he can boo-gie
What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
-he didn't have a haunting license
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
-he had no body to dance with
Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
-At the casketeria
Where did the goblin throw the football?
-Over the ghoul line
Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
-Because he is always a goblin
Where do most goblins live?
-In North and South Scarolina
What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?
-A toasty ghosty
What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae?
-Whipped scream
What do you give a skeleton for valentine's day?
-Bone-bones in a heart shaped box
What is a vampires favorite holiday?

there ya go kids. Paco, I hope this gives you entertainment in your class, actually I hope you bust a gut and everyone turns to look at you. Just turn up your collar on that $250 jacket, and remember, you are cool because you're wearing chacos, carharts, a mountain hardwear jacket, and a columbia beanie. . .and they're not.

*grins* this is what living like this does

Monday, October 10, 2005

If I'm asking you to hold me tight, it's gonne be alright

Artist: Mandy Moore
Title: It's gonna be

I don't know where to start. I couldn't get his voice out of my head last night, it was as if everything I thought was in his voice, and his laugh danced across my thoughts, interupting them, and making me smile.

One week ago the very thought of him hurt my heart, and made me want to curl up and hide. Now, there's a smile on my lips that I can't get rid of if I tried.

Ladies and gents. . .he's back.

Maybe I should start from the beginning, who knows, my future postarity could read this, since it is a lot like a journal to me. After tuesday, I thought I'd be ok, that I would just carry on and perhaps even be able to be friends with him. But he emailed me and told me he missed me, and wanted to talk to me, and tell me some things, ask me some questions. that was the very last thing I wanted, I did not want to spend time with him, I knew it would hurt too much. But alas, curiosity gets the best of me, everytime.

I scheduale a time in about a week (enough time to get my emotions under control, and to prep myself for it. . .) and then I can't get him out of my thoughts. I've mentioned before, I build things up, I create scenerios about what could happen, and that's where it killed me. I wanted to back out, I wanted to yell at him to get out of my life, that he's hurt me enough, and I don't want to be told again how fantastic his relationship with Nickel is, and how he hopes that someday we can be the friends we used to me, maybe go on a double date some time, all the friend jazz.

Way to turn my world upside down. All of a sudden he's everywhere, and I can't get rid of him, I can't get him out of my mind, and it's hurting me, and I'm trying to hard to be 'brave' and say, it's ok, I'm still ok. And my mind just wanders, creating a world of it's own. I wondered what I would say to him, if he did decided to ask me to come back to him. Would I say no? would I cry? would I say no? would I be able to say anything at all?

I'm slightly worried. . .this is what living like this does

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I miss my friend

Artist: Darryl Worley
title: I miss my friend

for every week i was with him, I get one day of mourning, so says asmond. I did a quick calculation, and it turned out I only get roughly 196 days of mourning, and it's been about 180. so technically, I should get 2 more weeks to dwell in my woe and heart ache.

I saw him today, and it was harder than I thought. let me tell you the story *pauses while everyone quickly sits down and readies themselves for a story*

The last friend I had on a mission came home last night, so like a good friend I am, I took McKay, and we chalked him. Of course! it's what I do with mcKay. Said RM, called me this morning, and we planned to get together, after I got ready for the day, because McKay kept me up too late last night, watching a movie he hated, but I thought was funny ('saved' w/ mandy moore) so I slept through yoga today, and skipped institute, so I could hang out with this rm. (who shall now be referred to as Steve, since well, that's his name, and who cares about annominity (sp?) right now?) and we did. We went to lunch at the Olive Garden, and we caught up on life for a bit, and it was quite nice, because of all the missionaries, I think I missed him the most, because he understands me the most i think, and is guarenteed to make me laugh all the time.

Well, after our fantistic lunch at the Olive Garden, with Flying Jeans, and his almost fiancee, we decided we wanted to go climbing, since the dollar theater is no longer playing Mr. and Mrs. Smith. We are on our way to the gym, and who should call but Captain Jax. Not me of course, because I wouldn't answer my phone if he called. that and he didn't konw I was hanging out with his two friends.

See, our plan was for us to go climbing, and get Steve back to his house by 4:30 because that's when captain jax was supposed to be there to meet him. I would just go on my merry way, maybe write a poem, or do my spanish test, whilst the boys hung out. so at 2:00 when he calls, we were a little surprised. They tell him we're going climbing right now, and that I'm with them. a pause in the phone conversation. Flying Jeans turns to me "are you ok, would you be ok if he came? because if not, it's fine, we all understand"

"I honestly don't know" I say, "It's been 6 months since I've seen him" and since I wanted to be a Christlike person, I said "yeah, it's fine" since I also knew Steve really wanted to see him, and I wasn't going to give up climbing for him. I did hear him asking Flying Jeans on the phone a few times if I was sure. I wasn't sure, I knew that, but I couldn't push him away forever, it wwas bound to happen. I said I'd have my own car, and if I couldn't handle it, than I'd leave.

What was I freakin' thinking. Seeing him, that hurt, that hurt so much. but alas, it wasn't the worst feeling I'd felt as of late (past 6 months) While they were paying for everything, and getting checked into the gyms (waviers, all that jazz) I walked to the back of the store, and took a dozen deep breathes, and cursed my emotions for riding so high, as I tried not to fall apart. After all, I promised myself that I was moving on, that I was done with him and wasn't going to be affected by him. but I was, I was very much affected by him.

I threw myself into the climbing, I climbed at least 10 different climbs, and would not come down until I conquered it, no matter how tight my forearms got, or that I could no longer grip the holds. I was NOT coming down. I did end up climbing a 5.10, which made me quite happy.

I tried at first to hold a conversation with him, but I didn't like it, it was wierd. I don't know why, I didn't want to tell him what was going on in my life, because I didn't want to be told back what was going on in his life. so I avoided him. I tried to have other people belay me, and for me not to belay him, I didn't want to have to stare so intently at him as he climbed. I did catch myself glancing at him way too often though, and the few times our eyes caught each other, he gave me a small "I know this sucks, you're very brave about it" smile (I know, because he's given it to be before).

He looked good, I'm not going to lie, his style has gone up, and I was impressed. But the part that hurt the most I think was some of his extra articles. He had a ponytail on his wrist, like the the ones he used to always steal from me, and an italian charm bracelet, the one the girls always wear (obviously not his) and the necklace that used to have the charm I gave him on it, has something else instead, his watchband that used to have a venturing pin, has something else, I'm sure something that is hers. it hurt to see how I'm obviously no where in his life anymore, and it was really hard.

as far as I know, I didn't feel any romantic feelings for him, but as of late, I'm having a hard time feeling much of anything at all, (but a pain inside) so it's hard to tell. But I do feel like I lost the one person here who knows me inside out, who understands me and doesn't think less of me for the stupid things I've done in my life, or the pain I cause others or myself. The one who thought I was beautiful just because I'm me, the one who thought I was smart even though I wasn't, who overlooked my insecurites and helped me grow spiritually. This person my heart and soul confided in, who made me feel safe when I was scared. I lost my best friend and I can't get him back, and that's what hurts the most because I know I can't get that back. It breaks my heart all over again, and makes me cry like I've never shed tears before. This is what living like this does.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

start to wonder how the chaos in our lives could pass as sane

Group: Switchfoot
Title: Stars
(Yup, still lovin' it)

I was finally able to let go and just say "Ok, I'm good" yesterday. sometimes work is just too much for me, and the girls I work with have too much drama. I did get a bonus, because my boss thinks I'm the only one that knows how to do anything, and will actually do what I'm supposed to (I konw this is catagorizing kids just out of HS, but these two don't have a work ethic, just want money for doing hardly anything, and then they wonder why they don't get raises. . .)

I've had this need to get out lately, to really just get out and just breathe, and let go of everything pent up inside of me. Rock canyon, the Kitchen climb, on the first try, 5 minutes. It was absolutely wonderful. And I only bled on the rocks a little bit :) I haven't climbed since school started. I felt so good, and was able to calm myself down, and put aside the worries I've had going on inside of me.

after priesthood session, we went back out with our headlamps and flashlights and climbed red slab. I haven't felt like this is a while, zeroed in on the climb itself, how the rock was feeling, and not just looking for a place to move up. This is why I climb, not because it's hard core, or because it's trendy (although in happy valley, it really is trendy). I climb because it makes me feel, it causes me to focus and not worry about whatever else is going on the world. I don't care that they're trying to set me up with stew or that I still can't get boy out of my mind, or that I have a spanish paper I really should be working on. I let go of everything destroying me inside and hold on to rock, because that's something tangible, something I have control over, where I can decide what will come next, if I'm going to fall, or move up. I have a say over this part of my life. I may not be able to do anything about everything else coming at me from all angles, but I can voice my opinion on the crag.

and then I can take a look at everything and realize it's not as important as i make it out to be, I'm doing the best I can and that's what's important. I had forgotten how much the outdoors do for me, and this is what living like this does

Friday, September 30, 2005

When I look at the stars, I feel like myself

Group: Switchfoot
Title: Stars
(this is currently my fav song)

I'm a little frustrated right now, and I hate it. I can't get boy out of my head, and it's really driving me crazy because there is nothing I can do to alter the situation any, and I'm feeling it highly unlikely that he has any interest in me. *growls*

I need to get out and do something, I need to go slacking, or climbing, or take a hike. I went up to sundance last friday, and that made me feel good, and calmed me down quite a bit. that's what I need. Let's just say it's a good thing conference is this weekend, because I could use some serious guidence. I wish I would've prepared more for it, actually picked problems I'm struggling with trying to find a way to solve them, and then prayed for the answers to come while I listen to conf. But at the same time, I'm not even sure what problems I have. I'm trying to find out what it is the Lord wants me to do. I already know what I want to do, but is it what I'm supposed to do? I want a kick in the pants to get me going in the right direction!!

I would say my biggest concern right now is when I'm going to find someone who wants to date me. I'm not one of those girls that has that need to always be with someone, I never have been. I had a friend say "You have to be ok alone before you can be ok in a relationship" and I concur completely. But I feel like I've reached that point in my life but I don't know what to do about it, and that's where it gets hard.

and what about graduate school? I finish with my bacholors this december, and then it's kinda like "hmmm, what to do with myself, besides write like the madwoman I am, and work some place to pay the bills" but I don't know if I have the brains or strength to make it through graduate school. And if so. . .where do I go? my two choices are the U or the Y (currently)

and a place to live? I can't live at home because I'm a big kid dangit, but I have my pup to take care, and I don't know what to do about her. *sighs* I give up, I don't care about anything, it takes too much work, and I've about had it with worrying and trying. this is what living like this does

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Your present's just a pleasent interuption

Title: Konstatine
Group: Something Corporate

I am so tired. . .I went and saw "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" at my fav. theater last night with Smurfs, Asmond, and ______ (insert her online name here, because, well, I don't know it) and it was an awesome movie, I enjoyed myself. Didn't get much homework done since I was at work before Asmond called, but I'm ok with that. getting up at 7am though, after going to bed at 1am, was a little difficult for me, I'm not gonna lie. but I had yoga first, and I felt good, and a little sore actually. I'm getting the breaths down, which makes me happy :)

I joined blue-beta recently, and I've quite enjoyed myself, and felt quite welcome! I was a little hesitent, I'm not going to lie, but I've had such a good time so far, just getting to know people on there, some I've met in real life, some not, but I'm anxious to meet them all and have new friends.

on a random note, I had my "awareness" poem critiqued in my poetry class this afternoon, and I have a funny feeling from my prof. He's an interesting guy, and I'm learning alot from him, but at the same time, I have a suspicious feeling he's going to work me hard this semseter. I don't speak up much in class, I don't care to, I'm not going to lie. but he keeps looking at me when he talks about the poems, I don't know if I give a lot of attention to him when he's talking, or if I seem like smart person, or what. Maybe he can just sense my poetic nature, and that's ncie. He's seemed to critique my poem pretty good today--but maybe I'm just looking for another mentor to replace my suu mentors, I'm not sure. . .

another random note, I was reading some old blue-beta stuff today, and one was something about the first two things I wish people noticed about me, and my first thoughts were:
1-I'm not mean because I'm quiet, and I don't hate you--I'm just quiet sometimes
2-I'm lonely and would love to be your friend

so I'm curious (with those that read this blog) what were your first impressions of me? I want to know, because I don't want to be that girl, for this is what living like this does (I know, sometimes I have to stretch on these)

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

this single minded fascination I've got

Singer: Trisha Yearwood
Title: Thinking about you

I have a bad habit of building things up in my mind, and then they turn into such a letdown when they actually happen. I think that's the romantic part of me coming out. I create amazing situations that will happen when i run into _____ (insert name here) and then I either a) never run into _____ or b) it's no where even CLOSE to what I had imagined, and i feel like a fool.

take now for example. I met boy a few weeks ago, and was intrigued by him, quite intrigued, as in, he seemed very similar to the type of guys I date, and well, boy hasn't really gotton out of my mind, especially after a friend told me he seems interested in me. Well, well, well, look at that! but I don't know him I've only meet him twice. only my friend thinks he is more or less a horrible person and I should under no circumstances date him.

annoying, to say the least, but at the same time, slightly thrilling because it's been a LONG time since a boy has had this much of an effect on me. but I am done making the first move--I'm done, done, done!! let the chiverly come back in, where a guy asks a girl out or for her number, because I want a prince charming dang it, because in looking at my past history relationship, this is what living like this does.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

I'm moving on

Group: Rascal Flatts
Title: I'm Moving On

I went to the temple today, like I do every sunday, and as I was driving towards it, I realized that it's time for me to move on and let go. Captain jax served his purpose in my life, and I should have let go of him 2 years ago, but my heart and his heart didn't want to. I have a habit of ignoring logic and following feelings. I'm ok with that though.

But for the first time in a while, I felt ok with letting him go for good. I've tried a few times, don't get me wrong, I've pulled my faith out and tested it, but got freaked out and jumped right back into my comfort of holding onto my string of hope, and saying "No, there's not a blanket out there for me, this string will keep me warm" but I realized there's a HUGE fleece blanket out there for me, and dangit, I want it now. so I'm throwing about that tiny string that i thought was keeping me going, and reaching for that blanket. (sorry for the corny metaphor, it's late)

I walked around the temple, and stared up the the spire pointing to my stars and thought "This time it's going to work isn't it. This time when I let go, I'm really letting go. This time when I step forward and try a relationship with a guy I'm not going to have something holding me back. This time it's for real." and I felt it was. What an amazing feeling, almost like the repentance feeling, of letting go of the burden of sin, but instead, I'm letting going of him finally, and dropping the burden I've been carrying of heart-ache and hurt.

I do know that it's going to be hard, it's going to be something that causes me to hurt, I'm going to be scared, prayers will be hewn at the heavens in desperation, tears will push themselves forward, but I'm not turning back around this time. I'm going to push through it fully and I will be blessed in this endevour. I know Heavenly Father has been waiting for when I'm ready (or somewhat ready) and willing before He's going to let me know what it is I'm supposed to do, and why it is I'm not the one Captain Jax was supposed to marry, and where it is I'm supposed to go in life. But I'm submitting my will back to Him, and turning everything back to Him. He can lead me better than I can lead myself. And as Helaman's son Nephi found out, when you turn your will over to Him, seeking to find out His will and do it, then you'll be blessed forever. The things you ask for you'll get, because what you want is what the Lord wants as well (hel. 10:4-5).

I'm on my way, I'm going to be the best person I can be, I'm going to find the Lord's will for me, I'm going to love with everything in me, I'm going to be friends with all I meet, and I'm going to be the happiest person because this is what living like this does (and boy does it feel good)

Ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out. .wish I knew

Group: Brand New
Title: Ok, I believe you but my Tommy gun don't

To take a bit from the psych class I hated (well, I liked it, but hated the teacher and the dumb way he taught) I'm an INFP (Introvertion, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving) according to the Myers-briggs test. to quote from my 10 page packet of random stuff I got with my results, I have "a great deal of warmth but may not show it until they know a person well".

Well, this explains why I just shut my mouth when I'm in a group of 4 or more people and I either don't know any of them, or hardly any of them.

I was driving home tonight, after spending an evening with Asmond, and some people I don't know at all (I've met one or two before) and it was good listening to what was going on there, but at the same time I know I'm keeping my mouth shut when it's kind of the whole group. But get me one-on-one, or in a group of three, and I talk, and I'll tell stories, and all that jazz. but as soon as it gets bigger than that, I clam up for whatever reason.

I've really got to work on that, I hate feeling like the person that you could meet 3 times and never remember because I just blend. not a big fan of that, but this is what living like this does

Friday, September 23, 2005

Maybe I've been the problem, maybe I'm the one to blame

("Stars" by Switchfoot)

First off--go read my lil'bro's blog slacker it's brand new, and he doesn't have anyone else reading it so far. now onto me--

I skipped my spanish class today--don't tell! I decided instead to take a drive up the canyon. Wow, was it beautiful. The leaves have changed, so it's splotchy red/orange/green/brown all over the hills and mountains. if I wasn't driving I'd stick my head out the window like a happy pup and gaze in awe.

I ended up at Sundance, a place I haven't been a really long time, and need to visit more often. maybe when I have more time (ha!) but driving there next to the river on the slow road, right up close to the mountains reminded me of my may in Cedar. May was a rough time for me, it was a few weeks after captain jax broke things off and I was still really struggling to keep moving a lot of the time. I used to drive up Cedar Canyon almost every day after class. It was my moment to break down and cry my eyes out and let go of some of the pain, a bit of the emotions packed up inside me that were eating me up. but it was a wonderful time, because it gave me time to myself, and my music, the warm air, and the beautiful mountains.

that's what I thought about as Iwas driving today, but it didn't hurt as much as it used to, and here's the conclusion I've come to. It's me that I've got to work with, and I know it. I'm still holding onto something that's hurting me and that's my problem, and it'll eat up up eventually unless I find a way to get rid of it. I'm working on it.

Asmond called me when I was on my way up to Sundance, mad because I was supposed to go play with him he said, and I laughed and felt like I was in elementry school when one of my friends would call and ask me to go play with them. That phrase isn't used often enough, it's usually "Let's hang out" and that's just dumb. so I drive out of the canyon and call him up, and he get a little defensive because apparently my phone decided it doesn't want to let anyone konw who I am with I called, so it says unknown on the ID. I dunno, but then he has to go do work stuff, and I'm no longer up enjoying the mountains. And now I have to go to work *sighs* this is what living like this does.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I'm sorry, I had a bad day again

(Title courtesy of Fuel)

I've decided, since I had another monday in the middle of my week, that I'm going to just list all the titles to my blogs, and where I got the inspirition for them, cause well, my laundry's not done, and I need something to fill my time with. Now you can all go listen to the songs-if you can find them :D

(listed first post to current, with the part I used, the group, then title)

"What brought you here in the first place?" -Mae -All Deliberate Sound
"Summer time. . .no looking back, you know the past will stay" -Mae -Summertime
"In your eyes I see a darkness that torments you" -The Juliana Theory -Into the dark
"Why worry? I wonder all the time. . ." -The All American Rejects -Why worry
"You can tell me how you just don't fit in" -Something Corporate -Punk Rock Princess
"Her world has changed, she asks God why" -Good Charlotte -We Believe
"It's so complicated. . .I'm so frustrated" -Caroline Dawn Johnson -Complicated
"I slip another smile in your pocket" -YellowCard -The Underdog
"Slightly bruised and broken" -New Found Glory-Head on collision
"What is it you need" -Dashboard -Ender will save us all
"My mom was sick" -The Format -Front porch
"It hurts when you disaproved all along" -Simple Plan -Perfect
"It's the blind, leading the blind" -U2-If God will send His angels
"Again i go unnoticed" -Dashboard -Again I go unnoticed
"Wake me up, when september ends" -Greenday -Wake me up when september ends
"I'd pick my friends over you" -New Found Glory -My friends over you
"Sometimes it feels like I don't really know" -Lostprophets -Last train home

and there you go kids, enjoy the tunes, and the emo-ness of it all. I know I do, after all, this is what living like this does!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Sometimes it feels like I don't really know

(Title courtesy of Lost Prophets "Last Train Home" which I heard on the way home from school today--and I'll now start naming the songs I use in my titles so ya'll go listen to my favs)

My puppy rocks. When she's not putting holes in my clothes with those needle-esque teeth of hers. today I came home in between classes (I have a yoga at 8am, which is so early, it's going to be worse when it's dark still--and then institute right after, then a break until noon) and took a wonderful nap, and Indy, the crazy little pup, would come snuggle under my arm as I'm laying on the floor (which has improved from her tackling my face) stretch out long against me and then wiggle herself up and try to lick my nose. trust me, it makes for a difficult time sleeping! eventually she found her way out into the backyard and i was able to nap in peace.

so I've been thinking a little bit about asmond's most recent post about unwanted blessings, and dang it, I've been doing the same thing but I hadn't even realized. there have been some things lacking in my life, and that I've been wanting yet I haven't noticed that I'm getting them. I've been wanting to understand more about why someone can get a certain answer and I feel nothing, and we've been talking about revelation in all 3 of my institute classes these past few weeks, and I've been learning the things I need to learn to help me understand how it all works out. I've been wondering about the Lord's timing and why I'm not getting what I think I need, and I get that answered this morning in institute. I've been wanting to join a new circle of friends (it's a little hard when the majority of my friends are also friends with captain jax, and I don't want to have to make them choose who to hang out with since we can't hang out together) and asmond is getting me out to meet new people, with the poetasters, and now blue-beta (if he can find someone willing to sponser me) that could certainly create new friends for me, which is much needed. I feel like my eyes have been opened a bit more, so now I can start seeing what else there is that I've needed and been given, especially those things that I haven't realized I've needed. maybe this is what living like this does

Sunday, September 18, 2005

I'd pick my friends over you

I've never been to the sundance film festival, not for lack of desire, but themovies aren't rated, and I'm a little worried about what my tender spirit would be exposed to. On Saturday night, I went up to West Valley to visit my sister--ok, I went up to be a babysitter while her and her husband spoke in church that sunday. But on saturday night, I got to see my old room-mate Heatha! (really heather, but I know too many heather's) I haven't seen this girl for almost a year! ever since our room-mate Cyann got hitched and we traveled to the luncheon together--that was back in march or february. so it's been a while.

we went to a mini film-festival, Epic Summer Film Festival. It was inspiring. basicly, it's people adventures from the summer, and they're usually outdoor adventures, their travels. Some people did mystery canyon in Zion (which I want to do), another hiked longs peak in Colorado (a 14-er) some other people had snowboard/skiing films. there were some awesome films, little short ones, around 10 minutes, but it gave me the desire to go outdoors more.

As I was driving home from WV this evening, I contemplated my current friends and came to the conclusion that most of them aren't the outdoorsy type that I am. I am someone who loves the outdoors, I love hiking, camping, backpacking, the STARS!! my rocks, and I'm trying to get into mountain biking, but I don't want to die, so I'm a little feared of that. I'm also in the artsy group, I love poetry, and writing. I love going to little cafes, and sitting there with my notebook or a book reading and just enjoying that atmosphere. Here's my problem though, I have about 2 friends, in the total of all my friends/associates/people I've done things with once in my entire life here in Utah, that have those interests. No one has both of them (or at least if they do they're keeping secrets from me!!) and I decided I need to find more people that have similar interests at me, so I can do the things I love. I'm working on the writing group, since I go to my readings every friday (although I don't recognize people) and since I'm going to be going to poetasters on tuesdays I could find some writing friends there, since it's a small group. yeah, we'll see what happens. I do need to get outdoors more though.

on another note, I'm now considered one of the less active members of my ward. Dang it. I supposed that's to be expected, the last time I was there was fast sunday, and I left after sacrament meeting because I was so sick. the week after I went to another friend's ward to hear her speak, and then this past week I went to West Valley. The bishopbric did pull me aside though to give me a calling, only in conflicts with work, and so they're trying to get me another calling. and they found out I play the piano--snap, I'm going to be the new choir pianist, the other one just got married. . .this could be interesting to say the least.
and my sister who kinda reads my blogs (but never leaves comments!!!) says I have a lot of emotions, or more emotions than apparently she thought. I feel slightly like a drama queen, but this is what living like this does

Friday, September 16, 2005

Wake me up when september ends

Seriously, I need that much sleep, that you could just let me sleep until then, and I'll be able to function.

I'm the type of person that needs at least 8 hours of sleep a night. Since school started, I've been getting a lot less then my 8 hours. But it's random throughout, it's not a consistent sleep pattern. one night I"ll get 5 hours, the next night I'll get 9. it keeps getting broken up randomly, and then I take afternoon naps and it gets even more screwed up.

yeah, just wake me up in 3 weeks, I should be recovered by then, because this is what living like this does.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

I can't think of any song lyrics to go with this post. Dang

I got a raise! I got a raise! (if you could see me, I'm clapping my hands) and I'm getting more hours, it's fantastic. I'm now at $7.25, which is the most I've ever been paid with anything I've ever done in my life. . .at least in hourly pay, salary is always a bit different.

when I was working in New Mexico, I was on a salary of $900-something (70? I forget) for a month, and when we budgeted it as an hourly pay, we were getting like $.70 an hour. ouch. so this is quite nice.

it was wonderful! I walk into work, through my favorite pink door, and Jules pulls me aside. She has quite a serious look in her eyes, and i thought "Aw crap, I'm getting fired" although now thinking about it, there wouldn't be a reason for me to get fired. . .anyway, she says she talked to Scott (boss) and I'm now making $7.25 an hour, because I've done so much the past few weeks, and I've done so good with everything. they appreiciate me, thank goodness. I will also being working more nights, mostly just doing the tagging and hanging that when it gets busy we just can't get done. Then we have piles of clothes, and the store looks horrible. so I'll be getting almost 40 hours a week, which would put me at around $1,000 a month. . .that's absolutely great. now I don't have to get a second job! this makes me think more seriously about buying a condo and renting rooms out. on the bright side of blowing a chunk of money on a condo, someday I'll get married *crosses fingers, knocks on wood* and then we'll have a place to live, so that would be nice. me, a hot man, and my puppy. the debt, not so nice, but kinda unavoidable. and that's a jolly day for me!

I've decided to work on my sleeping scheduale. I go to be around midnight, and get up around 7ish. that's really not working too well for me. I'm thinking I need to be in bed around 11, if I'm getting up around 7, because I hate this sleepy feeling I get during the day, and during class. it's not much fun.

Inspiriation hit me last night around 12:30, just a line I wanted (or needed) to write down, because I thought it might do somewhere. due to the fact that i was much to lazy to get out of bed and turn the light on, I grabbed my cell and used that as a light. What kind of techno girl am I when that's my light. I would curl up and die though if I did that when I was outdoors hiking or something. ug! those are two worlds that just don't mix! so I wrote a few lines about an interesting fellow I met sunday as I was ward hopping. I'm not usually not prone to writing down things that come to me when I'm almost asleep, but I couldn't get it out of my head until I did. But I won't write that here. . .this is for ranting and talking to myself.

after all, this is what living like this does

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Again I go unnoticed

So this is Asmond's fault, and I'll blame him FULLY for getting me addicted to this thing we call blogging. *sighs* and now I'm even being introduced as 'Rockflower' and not my 'real' name. But it hasn't been bad, I've met Bawb, Toasteroven, thirdmango, and various others. (toasteroven went through the whole group pointing out who had blogs). it's a little wierd, but interesting to go and read these people's blogs and get to know them before they really even know me. Hehe.
I went to poetasters (??not sure if that's right) tonight, Asmond told me about it, because I'm currently attending the byu readings fridays at noon, and he thought I might be interested. what it is, is a group of people that get together and read poetry (duh, I know). yay for Asmond and his correctness inmy interest!! i was a little sketched out at first, because I'm not a byu student, and don't really care to try to be one (maybe grad school, if I decide to do that and can afford it) and I wasn't sure how they would take a random girl just showing up to hear some poetry. I suck and didn't even think to bring my own, I was honestly expecting a bigger group, there were able 10-ish people. But I think I said maybe 5 words the whole freakin' time. Why am I so shy sometimes? I hate it, I was sitting there thinking "Rockflower! you suck! just open your mouth and talk! you go off about how you want to meet some people and make new friends, and then you keep quiet and no one gets to know you, and they'll just forget about you." so next time I'm going to talk more, because I'm intrigued by some of these people and want to get to know them, and I'm always looking to improve my poetry and writing skills in general, gotta talk for that one. but don't take the things I say here as my 'writing' this is my rant page, and it's really more stream of conscienceness (I probably spelled that word wrong. . .)
but yay for poetry and the way words work together. I've been ready Mary Oliver for my poetry class and she is so simple in her writings, it's quite nice and refreshing that it's not huge words, but just as powerful.
I'm facing a dilema right now, and it's getting rather frustrating, because I know what I have to do about it. I'm thinking about moving out. I currently live at home (I know, curse me for doing something like that) but I have a valid reason. I'm cheap, I'll admit it, and I have a puppy that I need to take care of (read the earlier blog titled something like "It hurts when you disapproved all along") at least until she gets trained better and my parents and lil' sister will be willing to take care of her. anyway, I lack a social life and I hate it. My ward I'm attending is the stake's single ward, so it's all people from the neighborhood, I've grown up with them, and they're still living at home. and that's the problem, I'm not meeting anyone new, I'm not doing anything on the weekends, but sitting at home feeling selfish and woe is me for I have no friends. I graduate this december!! and then I'm no longer in the 'education' atmosphere' so I'm trying to figure out where to take my life.
Point being, I think I need to move out, and the lessons I've been having in all my institute classes are telling me what to do. We've been talking about revelation a lot, and the process of recieving revelation, how I need to do the research for it all, pay the price, put some work into my choices before I come to the Lord with it. I even have to make the choice, and not ask Him to tell me what one is right (that's where I get messed up. . .memories of last summer. . .)
actually, that deserves a paragraph. Last summer--2004, I was living in Cedar City, going to SUU and working 2 jobs (you can read a story about it on my writings blog.) and I lived with room-mates from hell. Ok, maybe not that bad, but the fact that they were have sex upstairs (I lived in the basement) and all sorts of dirty things were going on I couldn't live there. The Spirit literally left as I walked down the street towards home! before I even GOT there! it was horrible, horrible, horrible. so my, heatha, and cy make the decision to move and we find an awesome little house still close to campus that has lofts in all of the bedrooms! how freakin' cool is that!? it was so neat. bla-bla-bla, I don't feel it's right for me to move there, I don't know why, (I do now) but I'm really torn about signing a contract there. I talked with my bishop, cried about it (stupid emotions) talked with captain jax, and prayed a lot. I knew I wasn't supposed to live there. but what do I do? I sign a contract, because I don't want to live with people I don't know, because I was scared of getting horrible room-mates again, and not living with my cool friends. that was a HUGE mistake. I totally went against what the spirit was telling me, and I ended up having to move in december because of schooling and losing over $500 to my landlord, almost being sued, and going through trauma.
so yeah, I'm trying to do it in the right order, because it's important to me, so I'm doing the research right now, I'm talking to people, looking online, trying to find the best place for me, and when it'll be good for me to move, getting my dog trained so my dad won't kick her out of the house, and then I can make a decision and ask the Lord if it's ok if I move forward with it. I also learned that it's important to ask His will in the matter, and then be willing to actually do His will. that's also where I mess up, because dang it, when I want it, I want it.
so I'm checking provo, because it's cheaper, there's more people (by more people, I mean more good people, I don't want sluts for room-mates again) and I'm hoping I can get things squared away with this. frustrating
and my sleep scheduale is so messed up. I told myself I'd be in bed at 10:30 tonight, so I could get up at 7 and get things done (or go into work early-yuck) and what time is it? that's right, almost 11:30. I suck, and will be therefore sleepy tomorrow again. curses, this is what living like this does

Monday, September 12, 2005

What an amazing day, I could have sat outside for hours. But instead, I sat inside at my computer, trying to write a spanish paper. Why, when I'm an english major, would I have to take spanish for 2 long years? I still haven't figured out, especially since I listened to Shakira one semester, for the majority of it.
But I haven't seen a day like this one in a while, and it was amazing. the cloudy cool weather means summer is on it's way out the door. Saturday night, I piled all my blankets on my bed, (and by all, I mean there was at least 10) and opened my window so I could have my face cold, and the rest of me warm. It was wonderful, and I almost felt like I was outside camping with a super nice bed instead of hard rocks and holes under me.
I wore a sweater all day, and it was fantastic because I didn't fry when I got out of work or class, because the weather was that beautiful autumn that I love so much. rumor has it that stewert falls is looking might fine right now, the leaves are just starting to change. I really need to get out there soon.
and then it rained. and where was I? sitting at work, trying to hear a customer over yelling kids. what I really wanted to be doing was sitting outside letting the rain hit me. It rained on friday, and that was quite nice, only I was lost on byu campus. Go figure. When I went to park, I pulled into the 1st visitor lot, because I think it's the closest to the library, at least where I thought the library was. anyway, there's a sign right by the booth that says "BYU students and UVSC students can't park here" and I thought to myself, "I'm not either" although I am enrolled at uvsc. . .which is a story for another entry. so I pull my car right up to the window, and well, since I look like a student, I get asked if I'm a uvsc student, I say "yes, I'm here for the poetry reading at the library, but I don't know where to go" and I think I may have batted my eyes a little bit, because I really didn't want to have to go through the hassle of finding another lot because byu campus just confuses me. *sighs* what is the world coming to when I bat my eyes at guys? anyway, he hassled me a bit about not being able to park there, and then told me it's ok because the other lot was full anyway. who does that? Honestly. . .so I was able to find the library (a big glass building. . .at least the part I saw) and meet McKay for lunch, which was quite nice, since I don't spend nearly enough time with the kid ever since he broke up with my old room-mate. things just got awkward. but we sat outside and talked and drank jambas (which I still tend to call zukas). it was great.
anyway, the point of this being, it was raining, so there were people running around campus covering their heads, and I felt so fantastic, it was great. And then after my poetry reading (which was really more of a short-story reading. . .maybe 2 poems) it was sunny and hot, which I really don't like.
But today's weather, now that was wonderful, I felt invigerated, even after getting 4 hours of sleep and trying to write a spanish paper. My teacher told me today that I speak very good spanish. . .but I haven't said anything in class. oh well, it made me feel good, and this is what living like this does

Sunday, September 11, 2005

it's the blind, leading the blind

Whenever I go on a blind date, my dad says "That's so nice of you to take the blind out". funny. I went on the date from hell last night. Ok, that's not true. It wasn't really a date (thank heavens, because then it really would've been the date from hell). I was orginally tried to get another boy to go with me, but he had already made plans with someone else to do something, if his homework allowed. My great friend Jru had already asked someone for our double date, we were going to go to the Jon Schmidt concert, because I think he's a great performer, and I enjoy his music. Well, so now she has a random date (a guy she owed dinner to) and I don't have anyone. I don't know that many people, and I'm still trying to figure out how to get back into the dating game. so it's wednesday or thursday, I forget, and the date is supposed to be on saturday. Jru, being the cool girl she is, went to her date and said "You need to find a guy for Rockflower, because the guy she wanted to take can't come" and so he tried to find me someone, he did, but then the guy got super busy and couldn't come.
And so Jru calls a guy she knows and asks him to take me, and he says "uhh, what's ashbash doing?" and I lose yet another date. . .am I up to three guys now? anyway, ashbash gets sucked into the dating vortex. . .luckily she can work these tricky vortexes (vorti? I don't know the plural. . .). Her date brings a friend, that's supposed to be my date, whereas, Jru, and Heathyr, who had each found another date, get cancelled on (this is twice for both of them now) and I'm supposed to go with a kid, who's first question about me to his friend was "How tall is she?" that was the same question for my last blind date too, go figure.
I didn't want to go, not one bit at all, I was fighting it with all I had (without being rude of course) because the original plan was to go to this piano concert with a boy I wanted to get to know, and enjoy myself, and for jru to get this boy she owed dinner to off her back. Somehow that all disapeared, when he cancelled on her, and I got turned down. all of a sudden it just wasn't something I wanted to involve myself in.
and then it's saturday night, 6:30ish, and I'm getting ready to head over to Jru's and she calls me and says "I don't have a date anymore, and I can't find someone, and Heathyr doesn't have a date either--she's going to stay with her mom, because her dad stood her mom up". so we have a date in 1/2 hour, ashbash decided she doesn't want to spend any money, so there goes dinner and the play. when I got there, and we were trying to figure it all out, I almost walked out, because who wants to be involved in something so ridiculous?? not me, and I still didn't want to be set up with this guy, not one bit.
somehow our double date with jru gets turned into a group activity. We order pizza, which no one wants to help pay for. (it was good too, i'm going to have to steal some from jru) and me and jru end up footing most of the bill.
and this is all just the precursor to the 'activity' itself. I hate drama. . . .
the boys come over, and the guy who would've been my date, had we been going on a date is tall, but not like he has to duck to go under doors tall. one of the first things he says, as ashbash offers the scouting magazine to everyone is "Y'know if the church stopped doing scouting, the whole program would fall apart, the church is the biggest supporter of it, and they do whatever the church wants".
One way to piss me off real quick, act like you know something about something you don't, especially when it's something I'm personally involved it and take and opposing point of view on this subject you know nothing about. The scouting program is HUGE--world wide!! the lds church isn't that big of a part of scouting. they're apart of it, but the scouting program would be just fine if no lds member participated in scouting. Why? because they have more members of other faiths involved in scouting than the lds. and then throughout the rest of the night, he continued to make stupid comments about everything I enjoy. Yoga? "I think people who do yoga should find more productive things to use their time". Jon Schmidt? "he's not a pianist, he can hardly play his own songs and he messes up" Dogs? "I don't like them, at all".
and thus went the whole night. I just kept my mouth shut, because I wanted to give him an earfull. I don't think he'll be someone I'll spend much of my time with ever again. I'm crossing my fingers at least.
I'm also going to be more picky about blind dates. if I'm being set up, I want the person setting me up to actually think "Will this person be somewhat compatible with rockflower? if not, why would I set her up with him?" or maybe I'll jus swear off blind-dating. . .only I can't find my own dates. and this is what living like this does

Friday, September 09, 2005

it hurts when you disapproved all along

I love my Dad, I really do, he's an amazing man, and has done so much for me. I'm not so happy with him right now. I have a puppy, the sweetest little punk of a puppy ever. this puppy is what helped me make it through this summer, when I was lonely, when I needed someone/thing to talk to, when I just wanted to know that someone loved me, I had my puppy. She didn't say "Guess what happened to me?" when I walked in the door, after a crappy day, nor ignore me when tried to tell what happened to me. (gee, I sound a little selfish right now. . .)
point being, I love my puppy, and although at times, because of my situation being a college student, and not sure of where I could be living in 6 months, and working all the time, or going to school, I sometimes think it was too early to get this dog. But I don't regret it at all.
here's why I'm mad at my dad. and I'll try to keep this at the most objective point of view I can manage. I don't think my dad has EVER used my dog's real name, which is Indy, it's always been "dog", "dumb-dog", "rat", "rat-dog", "neurotic-dog", and probably more that I can't think of right now. and I honestly feel like he does it on purpose too! Our dog, really his dog, died last summer. We had her for about 15 years. At least. she was an old dog, and it was her time for sure. well, he wants a dog, he really does, but with being gone all summer, he knew there was no way that he could get one. So I get one, because I haven't really ever known life without a dog. Well, Indy's a puppy, she hasn't learned everything yet, she still pees in the house (although very rarely now) she chews things she shouldn't, she nibbles your fingers (she is teething still), doesn't listen always when you tell her to come, or sit, or no.
But she's a puppy!!! she's not even 5 months old yet!! I don't know how he can expect her to know everything and act perfectly like our last dog did. that one was of his big complaints today--Indy's bigger than Chisia (our last dog) was. WELL DUH!!!! they're not even close to being the same breed! it's getting really frustrating, and he's making threats to make her an outside dog permenantly, because the one time he let her out of her crate, and he didn't take her outside to pee, so of course--right on the carpet. which I can understand, because she has to relieve herself somewhere since she wasn't let outside. so who's fault is it? the 'dumb dog' of course.
Indy is getting trained, she can now sit, lay down, and she's learning not to bite, or jump on people. She's getting there. I'd say for a dog of about 5 months, she's doing quite well. But I think it all boils down to the idea that she's not my dad's dog. She's my dog, and she'd rather come see me than him. I think it makes him think I'm trying to replace Chisia, which I could never do, she was amazing dog. but Indy is my dog, and when he belittles her, I feel like he's taking it directly to me. he insults her, and it's underlaid to me. I almost feel like he's waiting for me to do something, and talk back to him, so he can get mad at me for what ever. Now that I'm not dating captainjax, he has to have something to be annoyed with.
anyway, that was my passive-aggressive side exploding after having it all pent up for a few weeks. arg, this is was living like this does!

Saturday, September 03, 2005

My mom was sick. . .

And my dad he cared for her, his love, it nursed her back to life, and me I ran, I couldn't even look at her, for fear I'd have to say goodbye. and as I start to leave she grabs me by the shoulder and she tells me "What's left to lose, you've done enough, and if you fail, well then you fail but not to us, cause these last three years, I know they've been hard, but now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun, even if it's alone" -The format
about a year and 1/2 ago, well, actually almost 2years ago, my mom was sick, she had breast cancer and it scared me a lot. I remember getting a phone call at 6 in the morning from my older sister, who was living in the same town as me (we were both going to school) and telling me to pray for mom today because she was going in to get a biopsy. I didn't even konw what a biospy was, I had to ask her "To find out if she has cancer or not" I couldn't focus after that. . .I called captain jax, and left a barely cohesive message, as I broke down in tears. My mother could have cancer, and I was miles away. I felt so out of the loop. I found out later that my dad had called everyone but me, he just told my sister to tell me. There are six kids in my family, and I was the one that was left out of the loop and it hurt so much, especially since it involved something so serious.
It turned out she did have breast cancer, but it was still early enough they could do radiation and take care of it. I knew she had it, when I first heard there was a 95% chance that it was nothing, I knew she'd be in the 5% that it was something and she was. My mother had cancer. I got the phone call after school one day, she was crying, and i didn't know what to say or to do, since I knew the test results were going to be positive. my room-mates (amazing girls, love them all) were in the room when I got off the phone, and all I said was "My mom has cancer. I need to call captain jax" and walked out of the room. they expressed their sympathies, especially the crazy one who was going through chemo for her own cancer and understood a little about where I stood.
everyone knows that hardly anyone dies of breast cancer anymore, a few do, but not many. Well, my grandmother died of breast cancer about 25 years ago or so, my dad's mother. I have breast cancer coming at me from all sides now, and I'm in the highest range of those likely to get it, and I have those same feelings, like I had when I knew my mother had cancer, that I'm going to get cancer as well.
I have 4 sisters and 1 brother (and no, he's quite well-rounded for having 5 sisters) and all of them I think (except the 10 year old) researched about cancer as much as they could and found out as much information as they could. And what did I do? nothing. I pretty much avoided it at all costs. I was barely even home for the holiday's when she was going through her major radiation treatments. I didn't want to get close to it, like it was the plague "And me I ran, I couldn't stand to look at her, for fear I'd have to say goodbye"
and this is what living like this does.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

What is it you need?

sometimes everything in life just clicks together, and you just want to jump for joy and say "yes that's right! it makes sense!" well, it still doesn't make sense, but I had one of those institute lessons that just burns into you, as if the teacher got up that morning and said "this lesson's for her today" he was even staring at me the whole time, and it was amazing.
I'm not even sure how we got onto the subject, it's a Doctrine and Covenants class, but we were talking about the importance of families, and how it's everything Satan fights against. The analagy my teacher gave was baseball as the dating game (this is where he was looking at me the whole time) where you're sitting at the plate and you just have to keep swinging, and yeah it sucks as you keep missing, and yeah, you want to give up, but eventually you will get a hit. As long as you're doing everything in your power, you're staying clean and rightous and you keep swinging the Lord promises that you'll get on base, and eventually home.
wow, that hit me so hard today! Because I've felt like that for a bit, like "what's the point? I don't want to have to be the one the seek someone out, I want someone to seek me out" but that's not me doing everything in my power. And my teacher is standing there, staring in my eyes, with a pleading look, telling me not to give up, to keep swinging, as hard as it is. He also said "And somehow you know when you've got a hit, before the ball even comes to you, as soon as the pitcher lets go you know that this is the one for you, and you're going to get a hit and make it on base, which will eventually lead you to home. so move forward with faith!
and it's interesting, because I keep getting that feeling, that I'm going to get my hit soon. So what I doing? I'm doing everything in my power and keep on keeping on because the Lord's going to give me hit. It's guarenteed! :)
anyway, it made my day and it was absolutely amazing to hear that, it was exactly what I needed to hear. And the thing I love about that is something another institute teacher said. The spirit of the Lord goes through the students, up through the Lord and the Spirit, and to the teacher, so he knows what to say, back out to bless the students. I like that because when lessons hit me like that, I know I'm in tune and it's fantastic to know that this is what living like this does.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

slightly bruised and broken

Because I have no life and no friends (or at least not who return my calls) my little brother was cool enough to invite me to go slack lining with him. I love slack lining, it's one of the coolest things in the world! if you've never gone, you need to call me and let me take you.
basicly, it's like tight rope walking but with webbing instead--check out this website for some cool pics http://www.slackline.com/Page.bok?template=gallery
it's quite a fun activity and not only does it help me train for climbing, it's just something fun to do, and it's portable, and how cool with it be when I'm doing it across some canyon or something like that! I can't wait.
but it's been a while since I've done it, probably about 2 years, since I was last working in new mexico, so I don't have the skills I used to have, which is quite sad I think. . .so it took me a good portion of the evening just to get standing, let alone take a few steps. We didn't have the line close enough to the tree (after our anchors and what not) so I couldn't start out holding the tree for balance. I just put one foot on the line (about 2 feet-ish) off the ground, and stand up on it hoping you're not going to fall, but most likely you will. And I fell quite a few times, ate grass a lot, and got whipped by the line. Thus bruised and broken (which I take from Good charolette I think. . .something on my Drive-Thru Records mix).
all-in-all, it was fantastic, I love spending time with my little brother, because he's so freakin' cool, and we get along so great. It's a shame they all were either just graduated from high school, or still in it. Man, 21 feels really old sometimes. . .like now. but I got to go slack-lining, and it was fantastic, and I'm ready to go all the time now. Ah, now this is what living like this does

Friday, August 26, 2005

I slip another smile in your pocket

I carry a little felt heart around with me in my pocket. no one really understands why I do it, but it's important to me. A few years ago in young women's (it was probably around 5 years ago. . .) my advisor gave us all a cute li'l poem and the heart. The poem has since been lost, but the concept behind it hit me hard and I still remember it. it was something about how when you feel like no one loves you and you are lonely just take this feely heart and remember that someone does love more than you even know (Kinda like that song "you're not alone"). so i started carrying my feely heart in the pocket of my pants everywhere I went, every single day. it has had it's fair share of washings, since I sometimes (ok, more often than not) forget to check my pockets before I wash clothes.
But I still to this day carry it with me, almost like a good luck charm. I remember reaching into my pocket a few months ago, when I needed it the most and not finding it, not knowing where it was, and praying that captain jax didn't have it, since I sometimes gave it to him while I was away at school, or when I was in another state/country, so he could have that same reminder as i got everytime I touched it. and as much as I would give it to him at anytime, this was not the time I wanted him to have, because (feeling selfish) I needed my feely heart and I hated not having it with me. I didn't know how long it had been since I had it, and I missed it.
in July my mom and sister came back home (they live in New Mexico all summer) and the day they left, I came into the house to find a note from my mom and my feely heart sitting on the counter. she didn't say where she found it, but that she loved me and that she hoped work went well. she knows how important my feely heart is to me, and how I panic when i can't find it. It was wonderful seeing it sitting there from my mom.
it's like a smile in my pocket, and when I toy with it when I'm nervous or hurt, or frustrated, I really do feel the love of Christ and my Heavenly Father, and I know they're looking out for me and will take care of me. After 5 years of carrying it around with me, I don't tire of it, and it's still very important to me. It makes me feel better, and this is what living like this does.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

it's so complicated. . .I'm so frustrated

sooo. . .I've been kinda writing a kid for the past few months (by kinda I mean we've exchanged like 3 letters and chatted online for a little bit once or twice) and it's a whole wierd situation behind us writing, because captain jax kinda set us up, and I've met the kid once, but i don't remember it at all. so it's not as if I'm writing some random kid. (but at the same time. . .I kinda am. . .)
but the reason it's so complicated is because he's captain jax's friend, I'm his ex, and it's like this twisted setup thing. . .and this kid, let's call him Ender for now. . .not that he's like The Ender, but anyway. . .Ender has kinda almost seemed to avoid me and I don't blame him, it's an awkward situation, and I'd be really hesitent if I didn't know captain jax the way I do. I'm still slightly hesitent, but I've reached the point where I'm living for myself and Christ, so I'm not as worried as I would normally be because no matter what could happen, as long as I'm still rightous the Lord will take care of me.
so Ender kind of avoids me it seems, I sign into msn and he signs out if he's on, or he signs in and sees I'm on and is off real quick. I could be reading into this, but isn't that just a typical girl for you? *grrr* I hate being like that and i try to avoid it as much as I can, but sometimes it just comes.
after 2 weeks of not recieving an email from him, and having talked to him online a bit in these 2 weeks, so I know he got my email, I emailed him and told him that we need to work on his writing skills, because they're lacking greatly. but I was my friendly self and also told him about my car troubles, how things were going with me and asked him about work and school. Then I did something that i was really unsure of about, but had been toying with the idea in my mind for a bit. I told him (and I quote from my e-mail) "anyway, I just thought I'd drop you a line. I hope you don't think I'm wierd, I'm just friendly. I imagine after talking with captain jax, it's a little wierd talking with me, but please understand that I'm not some desperate girl. I am looking for friends, so you don't have to be freaked out by me, I promise (and I'm not creepy). but at the same time, I don't take things that captain jax says lightly, especially when there's something spiritual about them, so yeah."
so yeah indeed. . .and he did email me back and apologized and gave me his cell phone number (!!!!!!) which I'm not quite sure what to do with yet. . .what is it about boys that just make girls read into things too much and worry about everything involved in the 'relationship' or whatever it is. . .for some reason it's so complicated, yet not at all. I don't even know the kid *sigh*
and the girls at work are under this wierd impression that there are guys coming at me from all sides and I'm beating them off with sticks. Thank heavens that's not true! I've really got to stop mentioning to them about the boys in my life, especially those ones that I could never date in a million years that I spend time with. *growls* this is why I get so frustrated and dang it! this is what living like this does!!!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Her world has changed, she asks God why

I feel like I'm stuck in a moment sometimes, as if my life isn't going anywhere, like I've been in the same place for the past 5 years or so. And I know that isn't very long, but it's starting to get annoying. I went to go get everything taken care of for school today, since it's starts tomorrow, and there were lines everywhere! at my last univeristy, there were hardly any lines, and I knew what each of the lines meant. At this new school there's nothing to tell you what you're standing in line for. "one stop!" is what it says, so I assume that I can get my bus pass, and a new id sticker, which is all I need anyway, but I can't!! so I waste 1/2 an hour in a line claiming to be one stop that wouldn't help me anyway! stupid.
I graduate from college in one semester. and then what am I going to do with myself? I haven't the foggiest. I feel like I haven't moved forward that much in the past 3 years since high school. I almost wonder if I even have changed that much. I don't know. Sure I've had new experiences, and probably became a little tainted by some of them, but in all actually has my world changed that much? and would I be opposed to it? there have been big events, but overall I wouldn't say my world has changed.
I think i would like it if it did. I think I almost want something huge to happen, not something bad, that happened a year and 1/2 ago when my mom had cancer. I don't want something like that. I feel as if I'm standing on the edge of something important, just waiting for something or someone to push me off into it, because I can't do it myself. I want the next part of my life to start but there's really nothing I can do about it and it's frustrating. It's almost a limbo land area. I'm not quite there, but I'm not quite here anymore either and it's getting annoying. I want to be in one place, preferrably there, because I'm bored with here.
This is what living like this does.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

You can tell me how you just don't fit in. . .and how you're gonna be something

My ward had an activity this past week, that I was unable to attend due to work circumstances. And today at church everyone's talking about how much they got to know everyone and how close they all are now and I'm sitting here thinking "Hmm, I really have hardly any friends in this ward, and I missed the big bonding activity that they'll be talking about for months on end. Isn't this peachy, I'm not going to fit in very well now am I"
I wouldn't say I'm a very shy person, but I'm not a very bold person either. I'm usually not one to make the first move (because it usually gets shot down) and I'm scared of rejection so I don't go out of my way. I have a hard enough time fitting in with people because I'm not one to conform. I know what type of person I am, and I'm not going to change that.
I used to be ok with not fitting in, wait, I take that back, I am ok with not fitting in, because I don't want to be like everyone else. I want to be Rock flower. I want to be the girl who will call you out if you're being stupid, and will tell you how it is without sugar coating it for you. Maybe that's not typical girl nature, but dang it, I don't want to be typical. I want to stand out in a crowd. and not just by my looks (which in all actually, I don't stand out that way, I'm just a typical t-shirt and jeans gal).
But alas, I live in Happy Valley, where it's hard to stand out, and even harder to not fit in, because (this is my opinion) people are insecure with themselves, and therefore will judge others harsher. but right now, that's not a concern for me, because I'm ok with not fitting in, and I'm getting used to only have a few friends (good thing I have a puppy and a great family)
Y'know what though? I just do what I love and don't care. I have plans for my life, and I'm going to work to get there. My name will be known, and maybe it won't be a common household name (although that would be cool) but enough people will know it and they'll say "hey, she's good at what she does, and not that many people are like her" and it'll be great.
But for now, I'm going to not fit in, and go on about my merry way, being me, and not a people-pleaser for others. And I imagine I'll make a few people angry, but I won't be worried, because I'm comfortable being who I am, and in 10 years when I'm still cruising along my merry way, being who I am, and who I like to be, I'll just sit back and say "this is what living like this does"

Friday, August 19, 2005

Why worry? I wonder all the time. . . .

Why worry? Although I feel like I have no friends, I decided it's nothing to worry about. there's still enough going for me that I'll be ok. Ok, I do have some friends, but we all have to play this game "we can only invite Captain Jax or Rock Flower, we can't invite both, because it's too wierd and awkward for them" I don't want to have to choose when and where I hang out with my friends, and i don't want them to have to play games "Well, we need to know if you want to do something or not and you have to be commited before we tell you where"
Maybe I just need a new circle of friends. Asmond, if you're reading this, we need to hang out a lot when you come home, because I've got to get a new cirlce of friends. I imagine I'll keep a few of the other ones, but overall, I hate not having a life, I want people to hang out with in the evenings that call me up and say "Hey! you rock and I want to spend time with you". that's what I'm looking for.
so I'm anxious for the school year to start, because then I can make a ton of friends and it'll be awesome. arg, I'm frustrated right now though because I'm sick of being bored out of my mind!! But why do I worry about it? it's something that goes through me all the time, wondering if I'll have anything to do. I feel a little like a high school drop-out that got knocked up (wait, I'll explain why) because I have a puppy I have to take care of, the sweetest punk of a puppy, and it's like having a little kid, because I have to play with her a lot, and make sure someone's around before I take off, or that she's be let outside to pee before I put her back inside. so some of my friends just don't call anymore because they know I'll say "I have to take care of Indy first and then yeah" and well, we're all impatient people.
yet I try to forget about it, and just live moment by moment and enjoy myself, only to hear that everyone was hanging out at Captain Jax's the night before, and I was sitting at home by myself, wanting to do something so bad. I hate being lonely, it's one of the worst feelings in the world. And this is what living like this does.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

In your eyes I see a darkness that torments you

"and in your heart where it dwells" is how the rest of that line goes. I wonder if people see a darkness when they look in my eyes; if they think in the back of their heads "What happened in her life?" some days I know that people can see past my facade and straight into me, they can see that there is hurt and broken trust in me. I hate to point blame, but man, the boys in my life have caused some serious damage in me. my very first relationship failed, and I mean failed big time. I was cheated on, and instead of being angry, I was hurt, but yet still wanted to be with him (well, the anger came later). I can handle rejection, I've done it before, and if it was just rejection, I would be alright. But I swore to never tell someone I loved them unless I knew, absolutely KNEW without a doubt that it was real love, and that this person felt the same for me, and had the same goals for our relationship (ie:forever) and I thought I found that person. so I gently give into my feelings and put my trust in our relationship and in him.
that was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, to trust him when he promised not to ever hurt me like Flying Jeans did, and that he did want me forever, he didn't want to get involved unless it was forever. So I put my trust in him, and give him my heart for a good three and 1/2 years, and then he tells me he found someone else. While he was dating me. "we started talking about it before me and you broke up...but that's only because I never got the chance to break up with you before then" in my mind I consider that cheating on me. actions aren't everything, it's what's in your heart. And while he was still considered to be my love, he was starting another relationship in his heart.
And people wonder why I have such disdain for relationships? I don't give love or trust easily, and from how I see it, why should I? why should I give everything when 100% of my relationships (all 2 of them) have ended with him finding someone else while he's dating me. I joke that I could use it as an advertisement "Find the girl of your dreams while dating me!"
but yet I trudge forward and work to hide the darkness that I know is in me, and i work to push it out so when I do have those days, people don't have to look into my eyes and see what torments me.
and I just want to say to them: if you knew it all, you could see that this is what living like this does

Monday, August 15, 2005

dealing with the drama

I work with a bunch of girls, and I mean that in the worst way possible I believe. They really are just a bunch of petty selfish girls! and I'm sick of the drama that comes with working with them. all they seem to be able to do is pick a fight with each other about dumb things like what the priorities are of the store. I want a work place where I don't have to worry about who's going to be mad at who for something so-and-so said about what they did, or whatever it happens to be. I don't want to have to worry about if the way i act is going to be deemed offensive to someone else, because they're already too high strung about what they fear is going on. I don't want to have to sit and wonder if the two people out on the floor are talking about me, or if I'm going to be confronted about something that I mentioned to someone isn't anyone's business anyway.
so I wonder, why do girls feel this need to have control over others? Why do they feel the desire to judge others? Why do they act one way to your face, and tell you how much they love your example of Christianity, only to turn around and tell another that they think you are a hypocritical christian, because you don't jump and the chance to help a customer with every whim (to be honest, when you have more than one person trying to put together a piece of furniture, it can be frustrating, so I stay put). that's where I draw the line. We all have faults, this I know, we are all imperfect people, but dang it, I'm doing the best I can. I try to stay out of the drama, and I try to be as friendly as I can to all the employees and the customers. I know how to play the game, I have 4 sisters. everyone just needs to sit down and battle it out. say the things that piss you off, get it out of your system NOW and then get back to work. I don't want to have to take my work life home with me, I want to leave work and forget about it until I have to go back, I want to be able to walk out that little pink door and say "that was a good day" not "thank heavens I'm done, I was going to kill someone with their freakin' attitude".
so I'm thinkng of transferring to the other location because there is so much less attitude there, and the girls seem really nice, and it's not that much more of a drive (especially if I'm coming straight from school.) it would be so much better I think, and then all the girls at the other store would hate me for ditching them. . .*sighs* this is what living like this does

Sunday, August 14, 2005

What brought you here in the first place?

This title comes from a song on my punk rock emo mix, I don't know who sings it (mostly because of lack of caring) but it's my theme song for the summer I decided. the piles of events occuring in my life this summer have made me wonder what it is I'm supposed to be doing with myself. Where am I headed? what are these things supposed to be 'teaching' me? who am I supposed to effect? why on earth did I decided to keep the job I have here instead of the other one I was supposed to take?
there are a million questions that I could continue with, but the songs says "Lately I've been contemplating, is this real or is this fated? what brought you here in the first place?" and that's what i tell myself with every single thing that drops into my life.
after all, this is what living like this does