Introducing

It has been months since I've posted.  MONTHS.  And I'm not even going to try to back up and play catch up.  Too much work.
I'm going to start where I am in life right now, because that's what needs to happen.

First I'd like to introduce you to this sweet baby.  Words can't describe the love we have already towards this baby.

Now I'd like to tell you the things we've learned about this baby the past few days.  And this is where it get rough. This beautiful little one has been diagnosed with Renal Agenesis, also known as Potter's Syndrome.  Ultimately this means our baby cannot survive.  'Incompatible with life' is the term doctors use.  I am currently 21 weeks pregnant.

Renal Agenesis basically means our baby has no kidneys.  No one knows if there were there and then stopped functioning or if they were never there to begin with.  I think they were never there to begin with.  The kidney's serve as a major function in supplying most of the amniotic fluid that surrounds the baby.  Our baby has no fluid whatsoever, because there are no kidney's process it.  Because there is no fluid our baby isn't breathing it in, helping the lungs grow.  The lungs are not developing.  Along with that, the baby is not swallowing fluid.  There is no stomach in our baby because it was unable to develop.  And while the baby will still develop and grow, being supported by the placenta (which is in amazing condition the doctors told me), our baby will still struggle, being so compressed in there without any fluid to cushion movement.  I rarely feel any movement, and have to lay still for a long time and wait patiently to feel any sort of activity.

All that alone is enough for our baby to not be able to live. Lung failure after baby is born because the lungs are severely underdeveloped.  And not just preemie underdeveloped, but like 12week baby underdeveloped.  Just no chance to be able to grow.

Unfortunately, that's not the only thing our poor sweetheart has been given.  The heart in our dear baby is 3-4 times larger than it should be.  It's working MUCH too hard, and as a result (maybe?  We're not sure) isn't pumping and beating properly.  Over a doppler it sounds great, which is why we never had any suspicion that anything would be wrong.  However, on the ultrasound it shows the detail, which is worrisome.

At this point we're not sure when (because it probably is a matter of when) our baby's heart will give out.  When it will eventual wear itself out.

We hope and pray for a chance to meet this baby for a few moments, but ultimately, this baby is too perfect for this world, and will not be around very long, if at all.  Our options are few at this time: 1-induce at anytime. 2-wait until I go into natural labor, which has the risks of our baby already having died, or possibly die during the birth. I have an anterior placenta which limits the csection option, and I've been told (while pregnant with Martin) the way my throat is formed I would most likely have to be completely knocked out for a csection.  Which means if our baby were born alive and lived for a very short time, I might not be awake enough to remember it.  NOT an option. We're praying for guidance to help us make the best decision for our baby and for us.

Yes, our hearts are breaking.  Yes, we cry every day, at almost every thought of our baby.  Yes, I still can't fathom the idea that I will be burying my child, buying a casket instead of a carseat, planning for a funeral instead of a baby shower. It's something I never imagined we'd have to go through.

There are millions of thoughts rolling through my head at any given moment.  Different things about different aspects of this situation.  Every day I thank Matt for marrying me in the temple, so our family can be together forever and we will get a chance to be with our sweet baby in the next life.  I think about how much I can cram into the short precious time we'll have together.  How many memories we can make with our baby. I often rage in my head about why we have to go through this, after all we've already gone through to get Martin here safely. I sob about how I can't let this little one go, that this is a trial I don't think I'll get through.  I pray for a miracle that the kidney's will magically appear and our baby will be just fine.  I feel like this isn't happening to us, it's just a dream I'm going to wake up from.  Random things trigger me, and I've had to walk out of stores trying to control my tears until I get to the safety of my car and can sob alone.

We're trying to make the best of a horrible situation.  There was nothing we could have done to prevent it, and nothing we can do to fix it.  But we can prepare, which many families don't even get the chance to.  It's hard to be grateful for something so sad, but we're grateful for that.  We know any time we're blessed to receive is precious.  We realize how wonderful our two children are even more than before.  But we're grieving.  We're struggling.  We want to crawl into bed and just hide.

We appreciate the love and support from our family and friends right now, we appreciate the emails and messages.  Please understand if it takes us time to respond, or if we don't respond as all.  The gesture means more to us than you realize, it's just a hard thing to respond to.  And please forgive me as I often forget that other people will want to grieve as well.  Part of me just wants to be selfish, and I'm trying to remember that others love this baby too.  

Here are some resources for those who are interested. 

Angelbabiesinfo.org (this is a site put together by a new friend of mine, 

Potterssyndrome.org (information relating to Potter's Syndrome)

Trunk-or-Treat!

Y'know what I love about living in a small town?  Well, there's a lot of things, but I love that we do Trunk-or-Treating as a TOWN.  I know a lot of neighborhoods who do it with their local church, and then they also do regular trick-or-treating around the neighborhood.

Not here.  The street is closed off with our fire truck, the cars are all parked facing the sidewalk, and the kids line up at the corner by the first car.  The fire truck blasts it's sirens and the kids are off!  Down the street, from trunk to trunk, collecting their candy.  

We moved a little slow this year, Martin's little indian loin cloth wouldn't stay on, and his candy bag was a bit big for him.  I bet he could have fit in it...

However, the kids had a blast, the weather was amazing (like 70degrees that day!!) and my favorite part?  Home within half an hour, kid to bed on time, and no one knocking on my door all night.  I love that.

A visit from Cam

A few weeks ago our friend Cam stopped by and stayed with us for a few days.  We were really just a bed for him to crash at on his cross country drive (actually we didn't even have a bed, just a couch).  He's in the Coast Guard and was heading from Boston to California via his parents current state of Georgia.  

While he was here, I took advantage of a hiking buddy and we attempted to find a little kid-friendly hike up a local canyon. We failed miserably.  However, we did find some random campgrounds, a little stream to play in, a bridge and a grave.  

Seriously though, does that NOT look like a dug up grave? Just a little bit??

Cam was trying to teach Katryn how to read this sign.

And every kids dream--a river!  This was about how deep it was all the way across all 10 feet of it.  Perfect for the kids to play in and hop around on the rocks.

Martin liked throwing the rocks in.  Shocker, I know.

Both my kids have a bit of a rock obsession.  Katryn picks up multiple rocks a day for her 'collection' (which is thankfully located outside). and I wash at least 1 rock every time I wash her clothes.  Mostly because i don't think to check her pockets.  Or anyone's pockets for that matter.  I washed Matt's USB drive a while back, and I have washed his work credit card multiple times.

I guess I need to start checking pockets...

Anyway, we had fun visiting with Cam while he was here, and Katryn STILL talks about when Cameron came and visited and the things they're going to do next time he comes and visits her (not us, but her).  {{hint, hint Cam!  Come visit again!!}}

Pumpkin Patch

Well, I have a few posts in the works about stuff that's happened this summer, but blogger is giving me fits (and I'm not the only one) where images don't show up in the compose screen if you've saved it and have come back at a later date.  They're there--you can 'see' them in the html screen and the preview screen, but that's it.  So you'll get those posts. . .someday. Or I'll switch to wordpress.  Take THAT blogger.

Anyway. . .

We had the chance to go to a pumpkin patch play area with the play group Martin's a part of.  His playgroup is awesome--mostly because it's done through the Early Intervention group in our area, so the kids in there aren't expected to act like other kids their age.  Which is good, because none of them are like other kids their age.  It's a good setting to teach them how to act around other kids.  And it's really helped Martin on th eating front, because he sees other kids his age eating.

This pumpkin patch was awesome.  Partly because it was FREE, unless we wanted a pumpkin.  We didn't.  They had a little petting area, with pigs, and donkey's, and lambs, and some random birds that looked like mini ostriches.  I don't think that's what they were.

Both kids got right up there and were petting the animals.  Well, the ones that would let them.

Martin just has to do everything that Katryn does.

They had this little corn maze with haybales the kids loves running through.  Katryn loved hiding from me.

All the kids were climbing on a haybale pyramid, so of course Martin had to climb up there too.  This is one of the group leaders, helping Martin out.

And they had this giant corn box!  Like a sand box, only...CORN.  So Katryn made a corn angel.  Hey, if this winter is anything like last winter, it'll be the only angel she makes.

Martin kind of sat there, not sure what to think of the corn.  It was a little too bizarre for him I think.

And they had another, smaller hay bale maze.  Where the parents could SEE the kids the whole time. Tryn LOVED that one.  she ran all over it.

Martin kept running to a little 'window' where I was standing and cheesing it up for me and the camera.  Mostly the camera.

See those white pumpkins?  I ruined Katryn's dream of bringing one home.  She calls them ghost pumpkins, and she wanted one SO. BAD.

She still talks about them.

And we got to go on a wagon ride!  It was a short little jaunt around the farm area, where we saw some cows, the pumpkin patch, and old corn fields.  I was sitting next to Martin, and almost fell off the back when the tractor jerked forward.  That was fun.

Overall, we sure enjoyed ourselves!  We didn't get a chance to go to pumpkin picking as a family like we did last year, but this was fun.  And not as cold as I anticipated.  Although finding corn kernels in the laundry?  Not so fun.

A few quilting projects

This little quilt is for my little niece.  I'm a little slow in getting it finished for her (she turned 1 in June) but it's FINALLY done.  Thanks to my awesome sister for quilting and binding it for me.  The pattern I used was called Disappearing Nine Patch.  I just added the trim and boarder to use up all the fabric.

Pretty pink binding and backing!  Fuzzy backing too, love that!

And this is the quilt my quilt group made together.  We were all given a fat quarter size of fabric, the same patter (that flower with black background you see in all the squares) and we each made 2 squares.  We then raffled it off and we're using the money to buy something nice for the Senior Center.  They let us meet there every month free of charge, so it's our way of saying Thank You!

This is one of the squares I made.  I like how it turned out.

And this is the other square.  Looking at it now, an orange or yellow would have been a better choice, but I stuck with what I had, which was white.  Still like the pinwheel concept though.

Birthday

Oh hey!  I had a birthday!  Back in July. . . .

And it happened to coincide with our town celebration.  You know what that means?  I got a parade AND fireworks for my birthday.  And a carnival and pancake breakfast.  Awesomeness!

Martin was waiting patiently for the parade to start.  Well, kind of patiently.  it didn't care much for these little camp chairs, especially when there was no one he could steal them from.  The other kids were all walking in the parade with the Primary.

Here's a sampling of the floats you see in our little town parade.  This year was actually kind of long--usually it's about 10 minutes long, but this year was at least 20!  

This float made me laugh "Happy In Depends Ants Day".  They were dressed like ants, wearing 'depends'.  They even got out a few times and danced around.

There's the kids!  Captain CTR!  We even got a 'cape' (one of Martin's bibs) for Katryn to wear.  She walked the whole parade route, and halfway back home.  Impressive, since it was HOT.

There's our cousin Hannah (one of my sisters and her kids came and camped out in my yard) and Matt and Katryn.

Their sign says "Miss Understood, Miss Guided, Miss Placed, Miss Fortunate"

And this is really what you see a lot of in our parade.  Tractors.  And 4-wheelers pulling trailers. . .

Or even tractors pulling trailers.

This girl is one of my Activity Girls I work with.  She looks beyond thrilled to be sitting there throwing candy.

Speaking of candy, these kids were LOADED.  It was like halloween.  Without all the work on my part! We just sat there and people threw candy to us!  The otter pops were my favorite though, because it was HOT.

This sign says "The only thing older than this truck is the driver" Probably fairly true in our town :)

Smokey The Bear even made an appearance in the parade!  We didn't have the fire truck this year for some reason. . .probably because most of our firefighters were out helping with the forest fires all over the state.

 And what kind of party would if be, if I didn't have awesome food at it?  let's be honest here, I throw parties so I can make yummy food.  And boy howdy was it yummy.  We had these stuffed peppers, brown sugar chicken, grilled corn guacamole, and grilled tomatoes.  Mmmmmm. . . .

Thanks to all our friends that showed up!  And Seth for entertaining the kids once we put the swimming pool away.  :)

And have I mentioned how awesome my mother is?  Because she is.  She made this tshirt quilt for me, full of my old shirts (which surprisingly look in a LOT better condition than i remember) and gave it to me for my birthday.  I LOVE it.  and every single shirt on this quilt just brings back all sorts of memories from high school and college.  

My mom is the best. 

We also had a birthday shin-dig at my in-laws house, complete with the yummy cake.  It was so good, and the frosting was so light.  I couldn't stop eating it.  It wasn't it normal stick-to-your-mouth frosting most store cakes have.  It was perfect.

And this is how birthdays go when we have them at Grandma's.  All the kids crowded around the cake, regardless of who's birthday it is!  They all want a chance to pull the candles out and lick the frosting off.

What I've been Reading

Saw this idea on a friend's blog the other day, and thought I'd give it a whirl.  I've been spending some time reading lately, and here's a bit of what I've gone through.  Bear in mind, I read pretty much purely to be entertained--I love books that I can get caught up into, and feel like the characters are real people.

And on THAT note. . . .

Fablehaven (book 1) by Brandon Mull

This was a quick, easy read.  I liked that.  It wasn't amazing, but it wasn't horrible.  It was enjoyable, and I'll continue the series as I get the books.  I gave it 3 stars.  It's a book I would be willing to read to my kids (in a few years).

Where We Belong by Emily Giffin.

I love her books, and this one was no exception.  One of my favorite aspects of her books is pulling in the main character from a book as a minor character in another.  You would only know if you had read said book.  4 stars here.

The Death Cure by James Dashner

I'm so glad this series is done.  While I enjoyed it, it dragged on too long.  How many trials can this kids end up in??  And then all of a sudden, the book is over and everything is happy.  Wait, what? Very abrupt ending.  3 stars on this one.

The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

I'm still undecided about this one.  I didn't hate it, didn't love it either.  The characters were real though, and I appreciated that.  I could really feel for them.  The subject matter was interesting, and I didn't care much for the slightly cliche ending.  3 stars.


Coming up:

The Dog Stars by Peter Heller

I picked this book for my book group this month.  I haven't read it, but my source *cough*Ashley*cough* says it's very good, and I think my book group will like it.  I hate picking books for a large group of diverse people.  The last book I picked was Marley and Me (which is one of my top books) and I don't think the group cared for it very much.

EDIT: So that was the wrong book.  I actually picked THIS book for book group.  Thanks Ashley! Dog Stars is in my TBR pile, just not right now.

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green.

This is the REAL book for bookgroup.

City of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare

All I can say is this better end better than the last book.  I wanted to throw it against the wall when I finished it.  I really love this series, but I'm also really ready for it to be done.  Simon rocks though.

Rapture by Lauren Kate

The teenage angst in me loves this series way too much.  I can't wait to see how this series is wrapped up.

Lock and Key by Sarah Dessen

I love a good feel-good novel, and this one should be perfect.

Shadows In Flight by Orson Scott Card

I can't believe I didn't know this book existed until a few days ago.  I really am just shocked.  I'm a huge fan of the Ender series--both lines.  This is the Shadow line, following the character Bean.  AND Card is writing another one after this one!

To Ride A Pegasus by Anne McCaffrey

A friend recommended this to me.  We'll see how I like it.  There's a whole series.

PS-Are you on Goodreads?  Add me as a friend!